A collection of humour to lighten your day.
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Medical Mirth Archive | Old Mirth Archive
"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
...
The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
...
The Un-Associated Press recently reported in a news bulletin that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins.
A baby girl and a baby boy.
Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them.
"Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."
"Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is a little simple. What in the world did he name them?"
"Well, he named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician.
"That's not so bad," the woman replied. "So what did he name the baby boy?"
"DeNephew." The physician responded regretfully
...
A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.
The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."
The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"
...
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
...
Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
...
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and praciticing law...
...
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the GP to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
...
A GP saw three boys sitting in the gutter outside his surgery, with a handful of coins.
"What are you boys up to?", he enquired.
One piped up: "We're having a competition and the one who tells the biggest lie wins the money."
"When I was a boy, I never told lies," replied the GP, pretending to model good behaviour.
"OK ... you win!" said the boy and gave the GP the money.
...
The children had all been photographed for an end of year photo, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher...she's dead."
...
A GP, a physician, and an epidemiologist were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a huge moose 150 meters away.
The GP raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.
The physician, realizing with the benefit of hindsight that there was a substantial breeze that the GP was not aware of and could not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.
The epidemiologist jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!"
...
Yesterday I went to my GP for a checkup, feeling run-down. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high and I'd gained some weight.
My doctor said that I needed to eat right and that it didn't have to be complicated. It would help solve my physical problems and energy levels, he said, if I just think in colors. He told me to fill my plate with bright colors - greens, yellows, reds, etc.
So I went home and did just what he said. I ate a whole bowl full of M & M's and you know what? He was right, I felt better immediately.
I never knew eating right could be so easy.
...
Two female GPs met for coffee. "Well Ruth, how are the kids?"
"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real shocker!" says Ruth. "She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"
"Ah! Now there's a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."
...
A GP on holidays complained to the barman of a bush pub that the toilet was full of flies.
"What time did you arrive here?", he asked.
"Around midday, " the GP answered.
He said, "You should try to use the toilet about 1pm. All the flies are in the dining room by then."
...
A school religious teacher asked: "Can anyone tell me where God lives?".
Little Wesley, the son of a GP replied: "In our bathroom at home."
"Why do you say that?" asked the teacher.
"Well," said Wes, "most mornings my Mum thumps on the bathroom door and shouts, "God, are you still in there!"
...
A GP was asked to give a talk on the dangers of alcohol during a public meeting in a small country town.
"I have lived in this area for 25 years now. There are 12 hotels in the region and I can honestly say that I have never entered one of them!" she said.
A voice was heard from the back of the hall: "Which one is that, Doc?"
...
A GP asked her curious 9 year old son what he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" he screamed.
"What is wrong with you, Alex?" she asked him.
"Mum," he sobbed, "when I was 6 I was told there was no Santa. At 7, I was told there was no Easter Bunny. At 8 I was told there was no Tooth Fairy. Please don't tell me that people don't have sex!"
...
Becky, a hospital intern, prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the kitchen bench all day.
She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.
She called the local Poison Control Centre where a friend worked and voiced her concern. The friend advised Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it.
Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Centre ……. they want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
...
A magician calls a man, a GP, up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The GP shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in hospital and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
...
A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend, a medical student, advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toenails so I bite them instead."
...
A next-door neighbor of a GP and the GP frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when the neighbor requested his ladder, the GP told him he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying his grandmother used to repeat, the neighbor recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, the GP responded, "Tell you the truth; it's not even my ladder. It's my Dad's."
...
In a misguided burst of creativity, a GP installed a night-light into a conch shell he found on the beach. His wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale, it was the first thing she put out.
He felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it.
"That'll look great in your home," he said.
"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me." My bridge club is having a charity sale, and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"
A young GP who had just put her little boy to bed was heard to say as she shut the door and tip-toed down the hall. "One more day when I have worked from son-up to son-down."
A GP bought a new fridge for his home. To get rid of the old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home. You want it ….. you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this ‘looks to good to be true’ deal, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment a little girl asked her Mum, a local GP, quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust? Is it like belly-button fluff?"
A young GP who had just put her little boy to bed was heard to say as she shut the door and tip-toed down the hall. "One more day when I have worked from son-up to son-down."
My wife came home from the doctor's office and said that he told her she couldn't make love. I've always known this, but how did he find out?
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college law student.
"Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from our daughter in medical school, we have to go to the bank!"
Customer in a rush: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
Medical student on holiday job: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.
"Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we learned about today," asked a teacher.
One small boy, the son of a GP, said: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."
Don, a medical student, goes into business for himself during his university vacation. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near a large bank.
One day, his friend Jim, another medical student, approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some money.
Don refuses.
"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and I'm not asking for much."
"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non-competition Agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they don't sell hot dogs, and I don't lend money."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class:
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A medical student doing an elective, from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
A GP was speeding to a house call, so was not surprised when a state trooper pulled her over.
Hoping to get off with a warning, she appeared shocked when he walked up to the car and planned to tell him the circumstances of her speeding.
"I have never been stopped like this before in over 30 years of driving," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
Two young Australian medical students tracing their roots back to the UK found themselves short of money.
One said to the other “We need to get a job, I'll slip down and get the Times."
When he returned he was pointing excitedly to one of the positions vacant ads: "Wanted, Footmen (2). Apply Buckingham Palace."
Tidying themselves up, they went to the Palace to present themselves and their sad financial plight to the Queen's secretary. He was quite impressed, and eventually said, "Well I'll have to see the Lady. She does all the hiring and firing around here. Just wait in the anteroom and I'll see what gives."
After a short while the secretary returned, accompanied by the Queen. She told them that whilst in the employ of Buckingham Palace, they would be required to wear Black Velvet pantaloons, white stockings and black shoes with silver buckles. They agreed.
She then added: "When we go to Balmoral it will be necessary for you to wear the Kilt, and to wear the Kilt you must have good shapely legs." After a moments hesitation, and the urgings of their financial necessity, they both dropped their trousers for inspection.
"Very good, very good," muttered the Queen approvingly, "Now, could we see your testimonials?"
As they walked down the drive of Buckingham Palace, kicking up the dusty red gravel, one student turned to his mate and said with a slight tone of disgust, "You know, we might have got that job, if the standard of education had been slightly higher in high school...."
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad halitosis? I've been very lucky to camouflage it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."
The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I'm afraid your dog is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead - are there any other tests you can perform?"
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. My dog hates cats and would never lie there and accept that. He must be dead. "
Out in the office, the receptionist says, "That will be $340."
The lady was very upset and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for my dog."
"Well", the receptionist replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"
As part of a GPs patter, he asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."
"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the GP. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says little Johnny.
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband became depressed and sought the help of a GP who, during the consultation, explored what the man planned to do. The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her calibre."
She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint.
Billy Connolly
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