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A collection of humour to lighten your day.
If you have heard the jokes before, or find the humour a little tame, please help us out with your jokes. To contribute good clean medical jokes, click here.
Contributors will be acknowledged.
Medical Mirth Archive
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe’s former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. “Doc!” Joe says, “It’s amazing! I’m cured!”
“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst says. “you seem to be doing much better. How?”
“I went to see another doctor,” Joe says enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE session!”
“One?!” the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
“Yeah,” continues Joe, “my new doctor is a behaviorist.”
“A behaviorist?” the psychoanalyst asks. “How did he cure you in one session?”
“Oh, easy,” says Joe. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”
...
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken somewhat aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then replied, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
"Well," The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I then sleep much better at night."
...
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure.
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
...
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!
...
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office wanting to find out if it was true that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?
She was told that it was.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is.
This prescription is marked "NO REFILLS".
...
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell."
The doctor then gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a weeks time.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week saying, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage, now we'll have to work on your hearing."
...
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
...
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your stronger friends force the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Push the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
You are now properly prepared.
...
After marrying a much younger woman, a 90 year old gent told his doctor that they were now expecting a baby.
The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment and said "Let me tell you a story. An absent minded fellow once went hunting though instead of a gun he took an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it."
"Well," said the older gent. "That is clearly impossible; someone else must have shot the bear."
"That was exactly what I was thinking." replied the doctor.
...
The following are apparently actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on patients' medical charts:
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
...
A man went to the doctor and complained that he had the most terrible constipation.
The doctor examined him and then gave him a prescription for some tablets to be taken last thing at night.
2 weeks later the patient returned for a check-up and the doctor asked him how his constipation was.
The doctor was rather surprised when the man gloomily answered that the pills worked fine and that he went every morning at 7.30.
"So why the long face?" asked the doctor.
"Because I don't get up until 8 o'clock ! ! !" replied the patient.
...
A Doctor is walking past a large wooden fence while at the insane asylum and he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
...
Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at the hospital. What did they do?
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up."
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
...
What is the difference between a regular person and an economist?
A regular person KNOWS they don't understand the economy.
...
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
...
Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time. At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
...
A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
...
A female co-worker was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to stir his co-worker he told her to enter the word 'penis'.
Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password, then turned the screen to show him the computer's response:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH****
...
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic!"
...
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks . . . "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy but...I have the breasts of an 18 year old."
The husband replies . . . "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
...
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
...
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
...
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
...
Prescriptive compliance:
A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.
He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
...
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his Retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathises, and makes him a cuppa. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, " but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I can't remember".
...
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds.
He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?"
Joe responds "59."
He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?"
Tom responds, "Wednesday."
He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?"
"NINE" replies John.
"That’s right ...now how did you come to that answer?"
"It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"
...
"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.
"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.
"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."
"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."
...
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.
...
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
...
The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc.
The CEO says, "This is terrific!"
"Don't get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."
...
Ponder This: The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.
...
"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
...
The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
...
The Un-Associated Press recently reported in a news bulletin that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins.
A baby girl and a baby boy.
Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them.
"Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."
"Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is a little simple. What in the world did he name them?"
"Well, he named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician.
"That's not so bad," the woman replied. "So what did he name the baby boy?"
"DeNephew." The physician responded regretfully
...
A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.
The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."
The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"
...
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
...
Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
...
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and praciticing law...
...
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the GP to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
...
A GP saw three boys sitting in the gutter outside his surgery, with a handful of coins.
"What are you boys up to?", he enquired.
One piped up: "We're having a competition and the one who tells the biggest lie wins the money."
"When I was a boy, I never told lies," replied the GP, pretending to model good behaviour.
"OK ... you win!" said the boy and gave the GP the money.
...
The children had all been photographed for an end of year photo, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher...she's dead."
...
A GP, a physician, and an epidemiologist were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a huge moose 150 meters away.
The GP raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.
The physician, realizing with the benefit of hindsight that there was a substantial breeze that the GP was not aware of and could not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.
The epidemiologist jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!"
...
Yesterday I went to my GP for a checkup, feeling run-down. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high and I'd gained some weight.
My doctor said that I needed to eat right and that it didn't have to be complicated. It would help solve my physical problems and energy levels, he said, if I just think in colors. He told me to fill my plate with bright colors - greens, yellows, reds, etc.
So I went home and did just what he said. I ate a whole bowl full of M & M's and you know what? He was right, I felt better immediately.
I never knew eating right could be so easy.
...
Two female GPs met for coffee. "Well Ruth, how are the kids?"
"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real shocker!" says Ruth. "She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"
"Ah! Now there's a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."
...
A GP on holidays complained to the barman of a bush pub that the toilet was full of flies.
"What time did you arrive here?", he asked.
"Around midday, " the GP answered.
He said, "You should try to use the toilet about 1pm. All the flies are in the dining room by then."
...
A school religious teacher asked: "Can anyone tell me where God lives?".
Little Wesley, the son of a GP replied: "In our bathroom at home."
"Why do you say that?" asked the teacher.
"Well," said Wes, "most mornings my Mum thumps on the bathroom door and shouts, "God, are you still in there!"
...
A GP was asked to give a talk on the dangers of alcohol during a public meeting in a small country town.
"I have lived in this area for 25 years now. There are 12 hotels in the region and I can honestly say that I have never entered one of them!" she said.
A voice was heard from the back of the hall: "Which one is that, Doc?"
...
A GP asked her curious 9 year old son what he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" he screamed.
"What is wrong with you, Alex?" she asked him.
"Mum," he sobbed, "when I was 6 I was told there was no Santa. At 7, I was told there was no Easter Bunny. At 8 I was told there was no Tooth Fairy. Please don't tell me that people don't have sex!"
...
Becky, a hospital intern, prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the kitchen bench all day.
She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.
She called the local Poison Control Centre where a friend worked and voiced her concern. The friend advised Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it.
Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Centre ……. they want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
...
A magician calls a man, a GP, up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The GP shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in hospital and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
...
A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend, a medical student, advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toenails so I bite them instead."
...
A next-door neighbor of a GP and the GP frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when the neighbor requested his ladder, the GP told him he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying his grandmother used to repeat, the neighbor recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, the GP responded, "Tell you the truth; it's not even my ladder. It's my Dad's."
...
In a misguided burst of creativity, a GP installed a night-light into a conch shell he found on the beach. His wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale, it was the first thing she put out.
He felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it.
"That'll look great in your home," he said.
"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me." My bridge club is having a charity sale, and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"
A young GP who had just put her little boy to bed was heard to say as she shut the door and tip-toed down the hall. "One more day when I have worked from son-up to son-down."
A GP bought a new fridge for his home. To get rid of the old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home. You want it ….. you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this ‘looks to good to be true’ deal, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment a little girl asked her Mum, a local GP, quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust? Is it like belly-button fluff?"
A young GP who had just put her little boy to bed was heard to say as she shut the door and tip-toed down the hall. "One more day when I have worked from son-up to son-down."
My wife came home from the doctor's office and said that he told her she couldn't make love. I've always known this, but how did he find out?
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college law student.
"Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from our daughter in medical school, we have to go to the bank!"
Customer in a rush: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
Medical student on holiday job: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.
"Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we learned about today," asked a teacher.
One small boy, the son of a GP, said: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."
Don, a medical student, goes into business for himself during his university vacation. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near a large bank.
One day, his friend Jim, another medical student, approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some money.
Don refuses.
"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and I'm not asking for much."
"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non-competition Agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they don't sell hot dogs, and I don't lend money."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class:
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A medical student doing an elective, from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
A GP was speeding to a house call, so was not surprised when a state trooper pulled her over.
Hoping to get off with a warning, she appeared shocked when he walked up to the car and planned to tell him the circumstances of her speeding.
"I have never been stopped like this before in over 30 years of driving," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
Two young Australian medical students tracing their roots back to the UK found themselves short of money.
One said to the other “We need to get a job, I'll slip down and get the Times."
When he returned he was pointing excitedly to one of the positions vacant ads: "Wanted, Footmen (2). Apply Buckingham Palace."
Tidying themselves up, they went to the Palace to present themselves and their sad financial plight to the Queen's secretary. He was quite impressed, and eventually said, "Well I'll have to see the Lady. She does all the hiring and firing around here. Just wait in the anteroom and I'll see what gives."
After a short while the secretary returned, accompanied by the Queen. She told them that whilst in the employ of Buckingham Palace, they would be required to wear Black Velvet pantaloons, white stockings and black shoes with silver buckles. They agreed.
She then added: "When we go to Balmoral it will be necessary for you to wear the Kilt, and to wear the Kilt you must have good shapely legs." After a moments hesitation, and the urgings of their financial necessity, they both dropped their trousers for inspection.
"Very good, very good," muttered the Queen approvingly, "Now, could we see your testimonials?"
As they walked down the drive of Buckingham Palace, kicking up the dusty red gravel, one student turned to his mate and said with a slight tone of disgust, "You know, we might have got that job, if the standard of education had been slightly higher in high school...."
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad halitosis? I've been very lucky to camouflage it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."
The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I'm afraid your dog is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead - are there any other tests you can perform?"
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. My dog hates cats and would never lie there and accept that. He must be dead. "
Out in the office, the receptionist says, "That will be $340."
The lady was very upset and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for my dog."
"Well", the receptionist replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"
As part of a GPs patter, he asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."
"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the GP. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says little Johnny.
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband became depressed and sought the help of a GP who, during the consultation, explored what the man planned to do. The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her calibre."
She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint.
Billy Connolly
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