A GP and her four-year-old daughter were on the way to drop the daughter off at preschool. On the way there, the little girl picked up the stethoscope that the doctor had left on the car seat and began to play with it.
"Be still my heart!" thought her mother. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument.
"Welcome to MacDonalds. May I take your order?"

Helga went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up the machine, Helga told her that she had dextrocardia.
"What's that?" the technician asked.
"It means that my heart is on the right side of my chest, rather than on the left," Helga answered. "It's important that you set you your machine to accommodate that."
As the technician attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me - have you had that for long?"

Three GPs were on their way to a convention when their car got a flat. They got out and examined the tyre.
The fist doctor said, "I think it's flat."
The second doctor examined it closely and agreed. "It sure looks flat."
The third doctor felt the tyre. "Mmm, yes. It feels like it's flat."
All three nodded their heads in agreement. "We'd better run some tests."

An elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital. She barely managed to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse rushed over to her with a wheelchair. "Why didn't you call nine eleven (911) and get an ambulance?"

The lady replied, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

George went to his doctor complaining that he was no longer able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

His doctor took more history, performed a thorough examination and ran a gamut of tests. When he returned for follow-up, George said, "Now, Doc, give it to me straight. I can take it. Just tell me, in plain English, what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," his doctor replied, "you're just plain lazy."

George paused. "Okay," he said, "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Fred went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Over, under, over, under. You gotta help me, Doc - I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?" Fred asked.

"One hundred dollars a visit."

"I'll sleep on it," Fred replied, and he walked out of the office.

Six months later the psychiatrist met the man on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" he asked.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars!"

"Is that so? How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A college professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

A GP was having personal financial difficulties and was reluctantly considering selling his successful practice to a corporate outfit. He expected to be just a minor associate with long hours on a limited salary, but was hoping to negotiate a better deal.

As he was driving along, the Practice Manager of the corporate chain rang him on his mobile and said: "You are being offered the position of a major associate." He swerved, but resisted the offer.

He was rung a second time and told "You are now being offered, as well, to be a shareholder in the practice profits". He swerved again, but resisted.

He was rang up a third time and told "You are being offered the position of managing director with generous salary and conditions and being a major shareholder." He accepted, but ran his car into a tree.

The first policeman on the scene asked 'What happened to you?'

He replied: "I careered off the road."

A man goes into a pharmacy and asks if he can purchase something that could settle hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks angrily.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
"No," the man shouted, "but my wife out in the car still does!"

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house, as Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went out to the garage and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and returned to the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The final request was the last straw for Mr. Tuttle. "What are you doing to my wife?" he cried.

"Not a thing," replied Dr. Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open!"

The psychiatrist said to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Mrs Jones went to see her GP. "Dr. Smith, I'm pregnant again. I need a hearing aid."
"Mrs Jones," Dr. Smith said, "I thought we decided last time that twelve children were more than you could handle. You don't need a hearing-aid - what you need is a more powerful contraceptive."

Mrs Jones insisted. "But Dr. Smith, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a hearing aid."
"I don't understand," said Dr. Smith.

"Well, you see, Doctor," replied Mrs Jones, "I'm kind of hard of hearing. At night, when my husband and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you want to sleep or what?' And I always say, 'What'?"

A philosopher and a doctor were sitting on the porch of a nudists colony, watching the sun set, having a general discussion on life.

The philosopher turned to the doctor. "Have you read Marx?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

The GP met Fred back in the consulting room following further history, review of investigations and specialists letters and further examination and said, "Fred, I have some good news and some bad news."

"Oh, no. Give me the good news first, I guess," Fred replied.

"I'm going to name a disease after you."

A medical practitioner with a university professorship had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was discussing his adventures with his colleagues back at the university where they taught.

"What was the most exciting discovery you found there?", asked a fellow professor.
He replied without hesitation, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment."
Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?"
Replied the doctor, "Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon his physician, a friend, who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard (outside of a consultation) about one of your students?
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I would like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student
something good?"
"Well, no, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter
of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, I suppose it isn't really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair his wife.

Ten Common Full-Time Employee Illnesses that we may be asked to reword for sickness certificates:

1. The 'Macy's One Day Sale Flu'.
2. The 'Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus'.
3. The 'Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains'.
4. 'The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection'.
5. The 'My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease'.
6. The 'I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza'.
7. The 'There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness'.
8. The 'It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment'.
9. The 'I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness'.
10. The 'I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity'.

A general practitioner received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records and his accountant. They then sat for hours as the IRS agent pored over the records.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented to the doctor: "You must be a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Most medical practitioners are, but why would you say that?" wondered the GP.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

A man with an external thrombosed pile asked a pharmacist for a topical medication which included some local anaesthetic.
"Walk this way," said the pharmacist.
"If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the medication, " said the man.

Patient: "I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts or Hs."
Doctor: "Well you can't say fairer than that then."

A man presented to his GP with the concern of having a small penis and wishing for a referral for a penis enlargement operation. The doctor found no problems on examination and, as an attempt at reassurance, suggested the man "grin and bare it".

The man returned weeks later still unhappy and wishing for the referral. The doctor was concerned about Body Dysmorphism. He suggested a trial of counselling and SSRIs before any surgery was contemplated and suggested the man "stick it out for another six months".

"Doctor, last night in my sleep I chewed off and swallowed part of my doona."
"How do you feel?"
"A little down in the mouth".

Danger of a sample pack:

"The doctor told me that I would probably be on blood pressure tablets for the rest of my life."
"So, what's the problem with that?"
"She only gave me seven!"

A female GP is talking to a female colleague about her relationship problems with men.

The friend offers the following five rules to successful relationships:
Rule 1: It's important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and has a job.
Rule 2: It's important to find a man who makes you laugh and you can have fun with.
Rule 3: It's important to find a man who loves to give you gifts.
Rule 4: It's important to find a man who is good in bed and loves to have sex with you.
Rule 5: It's important that these four men never meet!

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up,
smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint.

"Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive."

"Come on now, Mr. Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drive's all in your head."

"That's what I mean, you've got to lower it a little."

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five dollars a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's actually a GP who's on holidays in the area and has a wonderful handicap by playing regularly with colleagues and likes to pick on suckers or take the chance of being 'stretched' by a good player.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church, at which the GP gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The GP says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

An experienced GP was interviewing a potential new associate. "Suppose," he said, "a female patient with smallish breasts were to remark while you were examining her, 'Don't you think one of my breasts is smaller than the other?' What would you think and do?"

"Before I gave her a medical explanation, I would say, 'On the contrary, one is bigger than the other.'"

"The job is yours."

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the GP finally got up the nerve to ask his mother, on her dying bed, if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

Mary, a very experienced GP near retirement was in hospital. Every time a particular young male nurse came in, he talked to her like a little child. He would say in a patronizing tone of voice: "And how are we doing this morning?"

Well, this is a story of revenge. Mary had received breakfast and pulled the juice off the tray and put it on her stand. She had been given a urine container to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. He looks at it. "It seems we're a little cloudy today."

At this Mary snatches the bottle out of his hand, pops off the top and downs it, saying "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband (also a newly established family physician) should try his hand at changing diapers and, if he helped, she would save him getting up at night.

"OK, but I'm sure you realise I am very busy settling into the practice," he said. "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

A GP's wife asked a shop assistant in the men's section of a department store, to help her choose a white shirt for her husband.

When she was about his size, the wife looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," the medical student asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"For starters," says the GP, "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The student thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working in a medical centre across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What do they want with a GP?"

A huge medical student decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the student, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the student. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The student hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

A GP was asked to give a talk at the local Baby Health Centre, teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As she was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to her and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

"Yes," she replied, "that's a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

An international medical graduate was doing an English-as-a-second-language class. He was explained the difference between a watch and a clock and was told that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to his body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on his body, it was called a watch.

A few days later there was a power outage, and the classroom clocks had not been reset. The teacher asked the doctor, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. He looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."

Three male doctors and three female nurses are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three doctors each buy tickets and watch as the three nurses buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a doctor.

"Watch and you'll see," answered a nurse. They all board the train. The doctors take their respective seats but all three nurses cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The doctors see this and agree it is quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the doctors decide to copy the nurses on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the nurses don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed doctor.

"Watch and you'll see," answered a nurse. When they board the train the three doctors cram into a restroom and the three nurses cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the nurses leaves her restroom and walks over to the restroom where the doctors are hiding. She knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

A young executive found his car pool rides to work increasingly anxiety-filled until he consulted his doctor in desperation.

He said, "Doc, the other passengers don't bother me in regular traffic, or in traffic jams, up and down the hills or over the bridges. But no matter who's driving, when we go through the tunnels it feels like those four other guys are crowded around me like sardines. I can't breathe and I get dizzy and my head pounds and I want to scream. I've never had claustrophobia of any sort before and I don't understand it!"

The doctor answered, "Ah, well, yes, that's because you don't have claustrophobia. Actually, your problem has recently been described in the literature and was in a recent Journal Alert. I've diagnosed a number of cases since. You're suffering from Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

At a Primary Care Clinic, an elderly woman found one reason or another to visit daily. She had few friends and liked to chat with the doctors and nurses.

They in turn treated all of her medical complaints with seeming concern and compassion.

Showing up one afternoon, after being absent for over a week, a receptionist asked her why she hadn't been there in so long.

The lady responded, "I've been sick all week."

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?", asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

An elderly couple come in for a physical.

After the physical examination the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"I'm certain that I do," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."

The couple were shown into the dentist's office, where the husband made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
The man turned to his wife…."Show him, honey."

The owner of a pharmacy arrives at work to find a man, just leaving, leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there isn't anything wrong with your eyesight."

A 4 year old boy came screaming out of the bathroom to tell his GP mother that he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
She fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to the bathroom and came out with her toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

A middle-aged GP is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"
The other says, "Circumcision."
The first boy says "Oh, no! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A GP passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The GP passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

A married couple, both GPs, go on holiday to a fishing resort.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking it was obvious).
"You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading" she replies.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says.
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden.
"That's true, but I believe you have all the equipment."

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer:
"As you are fitting the glasses, if the customer asks how much they cost, you say '$75...'. If he or she doesn't blink, say, '…for the frames. The lenses will be an additional $50...". If he or she still doesn't blink, you add '...each‚"

A GP and his wife were dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the phone answering machine on, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the GP in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car.......

A retired GP in a Nursing Home asked an 80 year old lady: "Why do you keep looking at me so much?"
"Well," she said, "you look like my third husband"
"How many husbands have you had?" he asked.
"Two," she replied.

The GP attended pharmaceutical company sponsored educational events as part of his professional development and, because of a prostate problem, was used to decoding the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but tonight he was stumped.

He found himself, with legs crossed, confronted by two marked doors. One was labelled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee.

"Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," he said, gesturing toward the doors, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus are our private dining rooms."

The GP was having trouble explaining how long he had estimated the patient had left to live. He advised him not to buy any green bananas.

Do you know what the most successful method of birth control is?
No.
That's it!

A GP noticed that a patient's wound dressing was extremely loose and asked why this was.
The patient explained: "You told me not to get it wet, so whenever I take a shower, I take it off."

A retired doctor has invented an aphrodisiacal insecticide. It doesn't kill the insects directly, but it allows people to swat two at a time.

A GP was having marriage problems. His wife told him she would dance on his grave. He decided to be buried at sea.

A GP recommends sex for insomnia. The patient's don't get any more sleep, but they have more fun staying awake.

A GP was asking an elderly man in a nursing home how long he had been married.
"I'm not sure. A fair while. Just before I came in here we were near the end of our second bottle of Tabasco sauce."

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother (a GP) finally laid down the law, based on an idea she had heard at a Female GP Medical Convention: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.

The plan backfired a bit. By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks Mom; keep up the good work."

A patient with dyslexia became involved in devil worship. Now she worships Santa.

A GP is walking down the street returning to his car after a house-call. He notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the GP decides to be of help.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the GP smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A man goes to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for
A while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, do you want to hear a doctor joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a whisper the barman says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's fair - that you know five things:
#1 - The owner of the bar, just behind you, is a doctor.
#2 - The bouncer is a medical student.
#3 - I'm a doctor with a black belt in karate.
#4 - The man to your left is a doctor who is also a professional weight lifter.
#5 - The lady to your right is a doctor and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Two medical students were in a bar discussing medical topics over a beer.
Suddenly a man at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that he is in real distress, and the students turn to look at him.
"Can you swallow? asks one of the students.
No, the man shakes his head.
"Can you breathe?" asks the other.
The man, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes his head No again.
The first student walks over to him, undoes the man's belt, lowers his trousers around his ankles, turns him around and starts licking around the edge of the man's underpants.
This shocks the man to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of his mouth, and he begins to breathe again.
The student walks back over to his table and takes a drink of his beer.
The other student says, " That was great! I'd heard of the Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I'd never seen it demonstrated."

"You've got to help me," the young man implored. "I can't stop thinking that I'm a goat!"
His GP asked, "And how long have you had this problem?"
The man replied, "Ever since I was a kid."

On the first day at the resort, the GP and his wife decided to hit the beach. When he went back to their room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making the bed. He grabbed their cooler, but not being sure of the hotel rules he stopped at the door and asked the maid, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."

A female GP was out shopping with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the
play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's handand said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their
balls in parentheses?"

A GP accompanied her 6 year old daughter's class on camp. She was helping one of the students put on his boots? He was really struggling, so she began pulling and him pushing. The boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, after several minutes the first boot was on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Doctor, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
"Now," she said sweating profusely, "where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."

A young woman was anxious and was biting her fingernails down to the 'quick'. Her GP was developing an interest in complementary medicine and advised her to take up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her GP, attempting some evaluation of her approach, asked her if she believed if the yoga had controlled her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

A man went to the drugstore to buy deodorant.
"The ball type?" asked the pharmacy assistant.
"I'm not sure."
"Or aerosol?"
"No," replied the man, "neither of those areas ………..I want the kind that goes under the arms!"

A woman takes her 4 year old son to a visit to the GP.
In an attempt top build rapport, the doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?"
He tells her, "Yes my name is Timmy."
"And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?"
"Yes her name is Mommy," said Timmy.
"And what is Mommy's real name?"
And little Timmy says, "It's Tammy."
"That is great," the doctor said. "And what is your daddy's name?"
Timmy said, "It is daddy."
"I see. And what does mommy call him?"
Timmy said, "Asshole."

A medical receptionist called the IT help desk because she was having a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The receptionist sitting next to me is under a window and hers is working just fine."

A police car pulls up in front of a GP's surgery and an elderly gentleman gets out. The polite policeman explains to the receptionist that the poor gentleman was lost in the park but gave them the name of his GP.
'Oh dear,' says the receptionist, 'Poor Mr Robinson. I'll get doctor to assess you. I think you have a booking here today, anyway. Thank you for bringing him here, officer'
Leaning close to the receptionist, so that the policeman can't hear, Mr. Robinson whispers to the receptionist: 'I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk here.'

Two GPs decided to meet over a cuppa.
'Tea or coffee, gentlemen?' asks the waiter.
'I'll have tea,' says the first GP.
'Me, too - and be sure the cup is clean!' says the second GP.
Soon the waiter returns with two cups of tea.
'Two teas,' he says. 'Which of you gentlemen asked for the clean cup?'

A GP was having trouble with my computer. He called a computer technician for help who clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave the GP a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, the GP inquired, "So, what was wrong?"
The technician replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
The GP didn't want to appear stupid, but none the less asked: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," the GP replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So he wrote out.... I D 10 T

'What flavours of ice cream do you have?' inquires the customer, a GP.
'Vanilla, strawberry and chocolate,' answers the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the GP customer asks, 'Do you have laryngitis?'
'No,' replies the new waitress with some effort, 'just…um…vanilla, strawberry and chocolate.'

A pipe bursts in a doctor's house and he calls a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and hands the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaims, 'This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor.'
The plumber quietly answers, 'Neither did I when I was a doctor.'

Two elderly couples are enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asks the other, 'Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?'
'Outstanding,' Fred replies. 'They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization and association. It made a huge difference for me.'
'That's great! What was the name of the clinic?'
Fred goes blank. He thinks and thinks, but can't remember. Then a smile breaks across his face and he asks, 'What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?'
'You mean a rose?'
'Yes that's it!' He turns to his wife. 'Rose, what was the name of that clinic?'

An eighty-five-year-old man is instructed by his doctor that he needs to collect a semen specimen. The man is given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well,' the old man starts, 'I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then she tried with her left - nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing.'
The doctor bursts out, 'You asked your neighbour?'
'Yep, no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open.'

A man visits his doctor for his regular check-up. The doctor is not too pleased with what he finds and asks the man to send his wife to see him. The wife goes to see the doctor who tells her that her husband has a very serious heart condition.
'Don't be too alarmed though,' the doctor reassures her. 'With the right treatment he can live a long and happy life. You will have to give him every attention. Treat him very gently. Don't ask him to do any work around the house. No lawn mowing or anything like that. In fact, you must pamper his every whim. Cook his favourite dishes. Never get cross with him when he gets difficult - and he will. Always do whatever it is he feels like doing. Spoil him totally and you will have your husband for a very long time.'
When she arrives home, the husband says, 'What did the doctor say?'
The wife replies, 'You're going to die.'

A young woman got her boyfriend's new telephone number from the internet, dialled it -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" she asked confused.
"Umm, he's in the shower," was the response. "Can I take a message and get him to get back to you?"
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," she said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, she dialled again. This time a man answered. He was a local GP on-call.
"This is Dr Mike Hummell," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" she exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

A GP, accompanied by her young daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

A married couple are in a terrible accident and the woman's body is burnt all over, worse on the face which requires grafting. The doctor tells the husband that they can't graft any skin from her body because of her other burns which may scar. So the husband decides to donate some of his own skin for the operation. However, the doctor finds that the only suitable place to take the skin is from his buttocks. The husband requests that no-one be told of this, because, after all, it is a very delicate matter.
After the surgery is complete, everyone is astonished at the woman's new face. She looks more beautiful than she did before! All her friends and relatives rant and rave at her youthful looks. She is alone with her husband one day and she wants to thank him for what he did.
She says: 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you.'
He replies, 'Oh don't worry, Honey, I get thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek.'

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny, the local GPs son, known for his embarrassing comments. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just beautiful!'"

A new, young doctor doing his residency in obstetrics was quite embarrassed to perform female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly during the exam.
One day, the middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry, was I accidentally tickling you?"
She replied, "No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

A GP was complaining to a new colleague at a local medical association meeting: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then pow! It was all gone."
"What happened?" asked the colleague.
"My wife found out."

A GP and his wife have been going through some domestic tension. One morning, he gets up, prints something out off the internet, escapes to his shed and emerges with a home-made kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds and then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times, while his wife watches from the kitchen window.
Muttering to herself that men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to her husband: "You need more tail!"
The GP turns with a confused look on his face and says: "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

A strong young labourer at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of a part-time worker who was a medical student. After several minutes, the medical student had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet the equivalent of a week's worth of your wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, you weedy nerd," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The student reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young labourer, he said, "All right. Get in."

A man whose wife was going into labour dialled the emergency number in a panic. When the triage operator answered, he cried, "My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only two minutes apart. What do I do?" The operator said, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" "No," the frantic man replied. "This is her husband."

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town, the favourite haunt of the local GP. The guy starts on a run of doctor jokes. Well into it, the GP stands up and yells: "OK jerk, I've heard enough of you denigrating the medical profession. How dare you stereotype doctors that way. It's guys like you who undermine the town's respect for myself and my work, all in the name of humour, for you to try and get a quick laugh and earn a buck!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the GP pipes in: "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bloke on your knee!"

A GP and a religious minister are seated next to each other on a plane. The plane is delayed on the ground due to some technical problems. Just after taking off the pilot offers his apologies to the passengers and announces that a free round of drinks will be served.
When the charming flight attendant comes around with her trolley, the doctor orders a gin and tonic for himself. The flight attendant then asks the minister whether he would like anything.
He replies; "No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol!"
The GP promptly hands his G & T back to the flight attendant and says: "I didn't realise there was a choice!"

One evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a GP was tucking her young son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice: "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug "I can't dear'" she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying: "The big sissy!"

A GP husband and his wife decided to take their two children, then ages seven and three, to their favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.
Beetroot-red with embarrassment, the Dad warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"
A man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!"

A new, young mother came into a GP's office with her newborn twins. A medical student was attached to the practice. The student asked the new mum if she ever had any trouble telling the twins apart apart.
She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven't had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth."

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

A man walked into a dentists's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a GP, possibly a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."

Many patients call the surgery where I am a GP to discuss their pathology results. One irate woman demanded, in the absence of her GP, that someone describe every surgery test that another GP had done on her during the consultation, as these were not on the list of results from pathology.
Reluctantly, I offered to help the nursing sister with this job.
After introducing myself and checking her identity, I scanned what the doctor had written.
Starting with the first test in her notes, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."
She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"

An professor of medicine announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow on my ward rounds. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the group a medical student called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

Two elderly ladies were sitting in the GPs waiting room, when one looked at the other and said, "I hate it when the doctor runs late. I've been sitting here so long that my butt has fallen asleep."
To which the other lady says, "I know. I heard it snoring."

A dentist was known for his gentleness and often would say "Just a tickle" before a needle or procedure. One patient praised him for his manner and said that it appeared to her that he was "born to be a dentist".
"Not really", said the dentist. "I always wanted to be a classical pianist.
"My parents discouraged me, however" he moaned.
"Then I realised that there's more than one way to tickle the ivories".

A mother complained to her GP about her daughter's strange eating habits.
"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her, doctor?", the mother inquired.
"Eventually," said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

Wayne, a medical student, had proposed to young Kylie, and was being interviewed by Jack, his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you will earn enough to support a family?" the older man asked Wayne the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Wayne, "I'm sure that I will."
"Think long and carefully now" said Kylie's father ………."There are twelve of us .………….. including uncle Izzy"

A GP was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, checked the transfer of his doctors' bag to the new boot, the few files he had for some house calls, but finally decided he had everything with him.
Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

One day, after a man claimed to have presented for a "checkup", the doctor, following the assessment and sensing that there was another agenda said, "All is going well. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2."

A woman in her 90's was distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She couldn't live without him and decided that the best way to do herself in was to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. She didn't want to linger so she called her GP to find out exactly where the heart is. He told her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he said, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the GP was called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

A city-born GP started a practice in the countryside. He had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there and the farmer required ongoing visits. After a few housecalls he stopped going to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask what was the matter …… didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance ……..every time I enter the farm, they insult me!"

A man walked into his GP's office complaining he had lost all hearing in his right ear. "Let me take a look," said the doctor. "I see the problem. You've got a suppository stuck in your ear!" The patient asked to use the phone, called home and said, "Margaret...you can stop looking for my hearing aid...I know where it is."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredible- she does everything absolutely backwards," said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 tablets of digoxin PG every 12 hours - she started giving him 12 tablets every 2 hours and he nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing, earlier this week I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours - she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour, the poor the guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh no!," said the first doctor...
"I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick a patient's boil!"

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to his GP. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you sound and look OK to me," said the GP after a careful history and examination, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are Hepatitis C positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab. Or have you had a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport and I haven't had a transfusion - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Have you been having unprotected or unsafe sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier."

A rural GP was near the end of a long distinguished career. He stood on a hill overlooking the town with the new medical student attached to the practice.
"See those children playing soccer?" he said. "I delivered every one. But do you think I'll be remembered as an obstetrician? No!"
"See the Mayor's office. I saved his life by operating on his appendix whilst giving the anaesthetic at the same time. Do you think I'll be remembered as a surgeon or anaesthetist? No!"
"See the town people moving to and for. I've cared for their ills and foibles throughout their lives. Do you think they'll remember me as a great general practitioner? No!"
"See that hospital? I worked in it for 40 years and helped raise the money for the new wing. Do you think I'll be remembered as a great benefactor? No!"
"But, have sex with one sheep…"

A goldfish staggered into the GP's surgery and just managed to flip up onto the chair, breathlessly.
"What can I do for you today?" the GP asked.
"…water!..." the goldfish gasped.

A penguin walked into a family physicians office and noticed the empty waiting room. She asked the office staff, "Is my brother in with the doctor?"
"What does he look like?" said the receptionist.

A polar bear, at the end of a consultation with a GP, said: "May I also have a script for…………..my…………….blood pressure tablets?"
The GP replied: "Certainly, but why the big pause?"
"Well, I'm a polar bear," was the reply.

Another trick question played on a GP by a child:
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Rabbits Farts

The GP was woken by a call in the middle of the night by a man who the doctor assessed to be a member of the worried well who was not a patient of the practice, requesting a house call.
When the doctor said that he did not feel the problem warranted a house call and that he didn't know the area very well that the man was from, the man responded: "Doctor, I'll tell you where to go."
Unfortunately, the annoyed GP beat him to it.

A young Australian GP finally was able to organise a holiday in Europe. He bought a plastic wrapped book at the airport for the long flight entitled: Twenty Ways to Mate: Translated from the French with Original Illustrations.
It seemed a very long flight, but at least he learnt some chess moves.

A trick question, in the guise of biology, asked by a young patient of a GP:
Q: Why do mice have small balls?
A: Because so few know how to dance.

Whilst jotting notes between patients, the GP accidentally let loose a whooper of a fart. The scent was unmistakable, and, fishing out a can of air freshener, he hurriedly sprayed the room.
Mrs. Jackson was called in minutes later when he thought the air had cleared and, sniffing the air as she walked into the consulting room, she candidly announced, "Good God, Doc! It smells like someone did a shit in a pine tree!"

A GP was asked to facilitate a local medical education meeting. Just before the clinical part of the session he was handed a piece of paper with an apology for the evening.
He announced: " One of our guest specialist colleagues cannot be with us tonight because his wife is 111 tonight." He added off the cuff, "What an achievement!"
There was a short pause during some whispering into his ear and then the GP said in a somewhat more subdued voice, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. His wife is ill tonight."

A GP rang an airline customer-service agent, to ask if she could take her dog on board.
She was told that the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. It was further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the GP complained.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David, a GP, and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favourite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm and whispered, "Self-Raising, isn't it?"

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his Mom asked him "What do you have in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, "What do you have in your hand."
So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he will get scared away."
In desperation (and because of the odour) the boy was taken to his GP.
The boy told the GP that in his hand was "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he will get scared away."
The GP asked the parents to leave the room so he could talk to the boy on his own.
After some gentle persuasion, the boy agreed to show the GP what was in his hand.
The little boy opened his hand and said, "See! Look how much you scared him!"

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the examination, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor virtually cut her off trying to reassure her, "I know, I know, I get the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

The GP was attending a medical conference and his wife and seven year old son came to see him off at the airport. After verifying his seat number with the attendant, the GP walked back to his relatives and said that he'd have to wait another three hours in the airport and that they may as well go home.
"How come?" his son asked.
"My plane has been grounded," the dad explained.
"Grounded?!" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

A GP shared with a patient a great appreciation of the music of Elvis Presley.
He was invited to the man's funeral and asked to choose an Elvis song during the ceremony. He chose "Love me Tender." It was to be played as the family entered the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to "Return to Sender."

One night the young medical student brought her boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance; leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Kylie," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the student, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

The ophthalmologist said to the patient, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!"

The man told his GP that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"That's an interesting resolution. What did she say?" asked the GP.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

A local GP is visiting an elementary school talking to the 4th grade children. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings, as the school is concerned about youth depression and believe that children can be taught to avoid 'catastrophising". The teacher asks the GP if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."
So the illustrious GP asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the GP, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus trhat I was on drove off a cliff, killing me, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the GP. "That's what we would call an ACCIDENT as well as being a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. The GP searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a "tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If an airplane that you were a passenger on was struck by a terrorist and you were killed, that would be a tragedy."
The GP is curious."Can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would not be a great loss."

Two female GPs decided to catch up with each other in a café attached to a major department store. As they left from having lunch, a perfume sales assistant sprayed the two women with a new fragrance. When one of the GPs commented that she thought that the perfume was too strong, the sales assistant replied, "The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off."
"See!" the other GP chided. "I told you not to have that second drink."

A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered severe sunburn to his legs. His skin turned bright red and started to blister and the legs were very painful. Anything that touched them caused agony. He was admitted under a GP at the local beachside hospital. The GP checked him out and then ordered intravenous fluids with electrolytes, a soothing cream, analgesia or anti-inflammatories prn, a mild sedative, and an oral tablet for erectile dysfunction.
Rather astounded, the medical student attached to the hospital inquired, "What good will an oral tablet for erectile dysfunction do him in that condition?"
The GP replied, "It'll keep the sheet off his legs."

A GP received a call from an anxious woman who was holidaying in the area. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much insulin and not enough food today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" the GP asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Two medical students attached to a general practice were asked to check on an elderly man who, according to his wife, had become disoriented at home. They were concerned by the results of their assessment and decided to be proactive and, rather than disturb their GP supervisor, to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital for evaluation. One accompanied the patient and the other would follow by car.
En route, with siren going, the one accompanying the patient questioned him to determine his level of awareness and to be able to report his condition to the hospital staff and, later, the wife and GP.
Leaning close, he asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "Fairly fast. I'd say about 95, maybe 100."

A family physician with hospital admitting rights went to check on her very famous patient after an operation. The patient was awake, so she examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.
The patient asked the doctor, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The doctor seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
She replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A family physician and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the doctor realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00AM for an early morning flight to a medical conference.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00AM".
The next morning the doctor woke up, only to discover it was 9:00AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00AM. Wake up."

A GP was asked to make a house call.
As he walked up to the house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
"Is your mother home?" the doctor asked.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, leaning over to let him past. The GP rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. The GP was thinking of ringing the police or breaking in.
Turning to the boy, the doctor said, "I thought you said your mother was home."
The kid replied, "She is."
The doctor said, "Then why doesn't she answer the door when I knock? Is she hard of hearing? He she awake? Do you know if she is alert?" He dare not mention the possibility of death."
"She can't hear it," replied the boy, "because I don't live here."
The GP also did not have the right house.

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a GP."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the pharmacy that can diagnose anything faster and more cheaply than a GP. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about
it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the pharmacy. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The
computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. It gave instructions to rest, avoid heavy lifting, exercises using a towel and about an anti-inflammatory rub and that it would start to improve in about two weeks with this regimen.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. He also needs vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

The widow was crying during her visit to the GP.
"We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "It must have been true love."
"No, I outweighed him by 20 kilos and he was a coward."

Four medical students are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
The first one says, "I believe it's nerve conduction, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly travels to the brain and becomes a response."
The second student says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you don't miss a thing."
The third student says, "Well, I think it's electricity, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
The fourth student says, "Well, I think it's diarrhoea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhoea? Why?"
The fourth student says, ""Well, when I woke this morning, I felt this fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on... It was all over."

A GP is driving a long distance to see his parents. He stops at a petrol station to refuel and use the toilet. Someone in the next toilet starts talking.
Stranger: Hey, how's it going?
GP: (embarrased) Umm, not too bad, you?
Stranger: Not too bad, what have you been up to?
GP: Working hard. I'm just off to see my parents for the weekend.
Stranger: Listen, would it be okay if I came to your house on Wednesday?
GP: (nervous) Uhh …. Do you know me? You're probably best to see me at work.
Stranger: Listen Mike I gotta call you back. Some idiot in the next stall keeps answering all my questions.

A family physician and her receptionist were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the receptionist told the doctor in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
She agreed and, like a lady, insisted the other go first.
"I'm wrong," the receptionist said.
With a twinkle in her eye, the doctor responded, "You're right!"

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great, just great. Some asshole's got my pen."

Doctor, you have to help me, said the patient. When I drive down a country road, I find myself singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' Every time I see a cat I sing 'What's new Pussycat?' Last night I sang 'Delilah' in my sleep and my wife is really angry and suspicious.
I wouldn't worry, said the GP. It seems you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome.
I have never heard of it, said the patient. Is it common?
It's not unusual, replied the GP

.A GP was trying to teach her son manners and told him to thank the parents after he had been invited to a sleepover or party.
His Dad had picked him up and brought him home from a party soon afterwards. The Mum asked whether the son had thanked the hostess.
"No, the girl in front of me did and the lady said 'Don't mention it' - so I didn't."

Our medical student (from the last two day's Mirth), after he had sorted out the issue of tax, said "Actually, could I please have a six pack of condoms instead, Miss?"
Don't Miss me!" she said in disgust.
"All right," he responded, "make it a nine pack."

A medical student was suffering from a groin problem. He went to a pharmacy to buy an over-the-counter preparation and approached a women in a white dress.
"Excuse me, " he said "but I have a rash in my groin that is very itchy. There is some redness of the skin of my testes and the rash and itch spread onto the perineum and around the perianal area. I have scratched at night to the point of bleeding. What do you suggest?"
"Why don't you ask someone who works here?!" she exclaimed.

GP: "How old would a person be who was born in 1955?"

Smart GP Registrar: "Man or Woman?"

A young boy, dressed as a pirate, was brought to the GP on his way to a party.
The GP thought he would try and engage the child by attempting to talk at his level.
"And where are your buccaneers?" he enquired.
"Under my buckin' hat!" the boy replied.

A very humble doctor was introduced as a man "famous for being outstanding in his field." When he got up to speak, he thanked the meecee and said "Actually, it's just that in summer, if I'm home in time, I usually like to watch the sunset"

A young GP came home exhausted and ordered a Thin Crusty Supreme, to be home delivered. Thirty m