A GP and her four-year-old daughter were on the way to drop the daughter off at preschool. On the way there, the little girl picked up the stethoscope that the doctor had left on the car seat and began to play with it.
"Be still my heart!" thought her mother. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument.
"Welcome to MacDonalds. May I take your order?"

Helga went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up the machine, Helga told her that she had dextrocardia.
"What's that?" the technician asked.
"It means that my heart is on the right side of my chest, rather than on the left," Helga answered. "It's important that you set you your machine to accommodate that."
As the technician attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me - have you had that for long?"

Three GPs were on their way to a convention when their car got a flat. They got out and examined the tyre.
The fist doctor said, "I think it's flat."
The second doctor examined it closely and agreed. "It sure looks flat."
The third doctor felt the tyre. "Mmm, yes. It feels like it's flat."
All three nodded their heads in agreement. "We'd better run some tests."

An elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital. She barely managed to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse rushed over to her with a wheelchair. "Why didn't you call nine eleven (911) and get an ambulance?"

The lady replied, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

George went to his doctor complaining that he was no longer able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

His doctor took more history, performed a thorough examination and ran a gamut of tests. When he returned for follow-up, George said, "Now, Doc, give it to me straight. I can take it. Just tell me, in plain English, what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," his doctor replied, "you're just plain lazy."

George paused. "Okay," he said, "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Fred went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Over, under, over, under. You gotta help me, Doc - I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?" Fred asked.

"One hundred dollars a visit."

"I'll sleep on it," Fred replied, and he walked out of the office.

Six months later the psychiatrist met the man on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" he asked.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars!"

"Is that so? How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A college professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

A GP was having personal financial difficulties and was reluctantly considering selling his successful practice to a corporate outfit. He expected to be just a minor associate with long hours on a limited salary, but was hoping to negotiate a better deal.

As he was driving along, the Practice Manager of the corporate chain rang him on his mobile and said: "You are being offered the position of a major associate." He swerved, but resisted the offer.

He was rung a second time and told "You are now being offered, as well, to be a shareholder in the practice profits". He swerved again, but resisted.

He was rang up a third time and told "You are being offered the position of managing director with generous salary and conditions and being a major shareholder." He accepted, but ran his car into a tree.

The first policeman on the scene asked 'What happened to you?'

He replied: "I careered off the road."

A man goes into a pharmacy and asks if he can purchase something that could settle hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks angrily.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
"No," the man shouted, "but my wife out in the car still does!"

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house, as Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went out to the garage and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and returned to the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The final request was the last straw for Mr. Tuttle. "What are you doing to my wife?" he cried.

"Not a thing," replied Dr. Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open!"

The psychiatrist said to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Mrs Jones went to see her GP. "Dr. Smith, I'm pregnant again. I need a hearing aid."
"Mrs Jones," Dr. Smith said, "I thought we decided last time that twelve children were more than you could handle. You don't need a hearing-aid - what you need is a more powerful contraceptive."

Mrs Jones insisted. "But Dr. Smith, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a hearing aid."
"I don't understand," said Dr. Smith.

"Well, you see, Doctor," replied Mrs Jones, "I'm kind of hard of hearing. At night, when my husband and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you want to sleep or what?' And I always say, 'What'?"

A philosopher and a doctor were sitting on the porch of a nudists colony, watching the sun set, having a general discussion on life.

The philosopher turned to the doctor. "Have you read Marx?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

The GP met Fred back in the consulting room following further history, review of investigations and specialists letters and further examination and said, "Fred, I have some good news and some bad news."

"Oh, no. Give me the good news first, I guess," Fred replied.

"I'm going to name a disease after you."

A medical practitioner with a university professorship had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was discussing his adventures with his colleagues back at the university where they taught.

"What was the most exciting discovery you found there?", asked a fellow professor.
He replied without hesitation, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment."
Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?"
Replied the doctor, "Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon his physician, a friend, who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard (outside of a consultation) about one of your students?
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I would like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student
something good?"
"Well, no, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter
of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, I suppose it isn't really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair his wife.

Ten Common Full-Time Employee Illnesses that we may be asked to reword for sickness certificates:

1. The 'Macy's One Day Sale Flu'.
2. The 'Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus'.
3. The 'Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains'.
4. 'The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection'.
5. The 'My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease'.
6. The 'I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza'.
7. The 'There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness'.
8. The 'It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment'.
9. The 'I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness'.
10. The 'I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity'.

A general practitioner received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records and his accountant. They then sat for hours as the IRS agent pored over the records.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented to the doctor: "You must be a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Most medical practitioners are, but why would you say that?" wondered the GP.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

A man with an external thrombosed pile asked a pharmacist for a topical medication which included some local anaesthetic.
"Walk this way," said the pharmacist.
"If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the medication, " said the man.

Patient: "I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts or Hs."
Doctor: "Well you can't say fairer than that then."

A man presented to his GP with the concern of having a small penis and wishing for a referral for a penis enlargement operation. The doctor found no problems on examination and, as an attempt at reassurance, suggested the man "grin and bare it".

The man returned weeks later still unhappy and wishing for the referral. The doctor was concerned about Body Dysmorphism. He suggested a trial of counselling and SSRIs before any surgery was contemplated and suggested the man "stick it out for another six months".

"Doctor, last night in my sleep I chewed off and swallowed part of my doona."
"How do you feel?"
"A little down in the mouth".

Danger of a sample pack:

"The doctor told me that I would probably be on blood pressure tablets for the rest of my life."
"So, what's the problem with that?"
"She only gave me seven!"

A female GP is talking to a female colleague about her relationship problems with men.

The friend offers the following five rules to successful relationships:
Rule 1: It's important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and has a job.
Rule 2: It's important to find a man who makes you laugh and you can have fun with.
Rule 3: It's important to find a man who loves to give you gifts.
Rule 4: It's important to find a man who is good in bed and loves to have sex with you.
Rule 5: It's important that these four men never meet!

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up,
smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint.

"Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive."

"Come on now, Mr. Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drive's all in your head."

"That's what I mean, you've got to lower it a little."

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five dollars a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's actually a GP who's on holidays in the area and has a wonderful handicap by playing regularly with colleagues and likes to pick on suckers or take the chance of being 'stretched' by a good player.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church, at which the GP gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The GP says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

An experienced GP was interviewing a potential new associate. "Suppose," he said, "a female patient with smallish breasts were to remark while you were examining her, 'Don't you think one of my breasts is smaller than the other?' What would you think and do?"

"Before I gave her a medical explanation, I would say, 'On the contrary, one is bigger than the other.'"

"The job is yours."

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the GP finally got up the nerve to ask his mother, on her dying bed, if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

Mary, a very experienced GP near retirement was in hospital. Every time a particular young male nurse came in, he talked to her like a little child. He would say in a patronizing tone of voice: "And how are we doing this morning?"

Well, this is a story of revenge. Mary had received breakfast and pulled the juice off the tray and put it on her stand. She had been given a urine container to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. He looks at it. "It seems we're a little cloudy today."

At this Mary snatches the bottle out of his hand, pops off the top and downs it, saying "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband (also a newly established family physician) should try his hand at changing diapers and, if he helped, she would save him getting up at night.

"OK, but I'm sure you realise I am very busy settling into the practice," he said. "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

A GP's wife asked a shop assistant in the men's section of a department store, to help her choose a white shirt for her husband.

When she was about his size, the wife looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," the medical student asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"For starters," says the GP, "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The student thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working in a medical centre across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What do they want with a GP?"

A huge medical student decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the student, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the student. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The student hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

A GP was asked to give a talk at the local Baby Health Centre, teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As she was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to her and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

"Yes," she replied, "that's a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

An international medical graduate was doing an English-as-a-second-language class. He was explained the difference between a watch and a clock and was told that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to his body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on his body, it was called a watch.

A few days later there was a power outage, and the classroom clocks had not been reset. The teacher asked the doctor, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. He looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."

Three male doctors and three female nurses are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three doctors each buy tickets and watch as the three nurses buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a doctor.

"Watch and you'll see," answered a nurse. They all board the train. The doctors take their respective seats but all three nurses cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The doctors see this and agree it is quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the doctors decide to copy the nurses on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the nurses don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed doctor.

"Watch and you'll see," answered a nurse. When they board the train the three doctors cram into a restroom and the three nurses cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the nurses leaves her restroom and walks over to the restroom where the doctors are hiding. She knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

A young executive found his car pool rides to work increasingly anxiety-filled until he consulted his doctor in desperation.

He said, "Doc, the other passengers don't bother me in regular traffic, or in traffic jams, up and down the hills or over the bridges. But no matter who's driving, when we go through the tunnels it feels like those four other guys are crowded around me like sardines. I can't breathe and I get dizzy and my head pounds and I want to scream. I've never had claustrophobia of any sort before and I don't understand it!"

The doctor answered, "Ah, well, yes, that's because you don't have claustrophobia. Actually, your problem has recently been described in the literature and was in a recent Journal Alert. I've diagnosed a number of cases since. You're suffering from Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

At a Primary Care Clinic, an elderly woman found one reason or another to visit daily. She had few friends and liked to chat with the doctors and nurses.

They in turn treated all of her medical complaints with seeming concern and compassion.

Showing up one afternoon, after being absent for over a week, a receptionist asked her why she hadn't been there in so long.

The lady responded, "I've been sick all week."

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?", asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

An elderly couple come in for a physical.

After the physical examination the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"I'm certain that I do," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."

The couple were shown into the dentist's office, where the husband made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
The man turned to his wife…."Show him, honey."

The owner of a pharmacy arrives at work to find a man, just leaving, leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there isn't anything wrong with your eyesight."

A 4 year old boy came screaming out of the bathroom to tell his GP mother that he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
She fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to the bathroom and came out with her toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

A middle-aged GP is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"
The other says, "Circumcision."
The first boy says "Oh, no! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A GP passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The GP passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

A married couple, both GPs, go on holiday to a fishing resort.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking it was obvious).
"You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading" she replies.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says.
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden.
"That's true, but I believe you have all the equipment."

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer:
"As you are fitting the glasses, if the customer asks how much they cost, you say '$75...'. If he or she doesn't blink, say, '…for the frames. The lenses will be an additional $50...". If he or she still doesn't blink, you add '...each‚"

A GP and his wife were dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the phone answering machine on, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the GP in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car.......

A retired GP in a Nursing Home asked an 80 year old lady: "Why do you keep looking at me so much?"
"Well," she said, "you look like my third husband"
"How many husbands have you had?" he asked.
"Two," she replied.

The GP attended pharmaceutical company sponsored educational events as part of his professional development and, because of a prostate problem, was used to decoding the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but tonight he was stumped.

He found himself, with legs crossed, confronted by two marked doors. One was labelled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee.

"Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," he said, gesturing toward the doors, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus are our private dining rooms."

The GP was having trouble explaining how long he had estimated the patient had left to live. He advised him not to buy any green bananas.

Do you know what the most successful method of birth control is?
No.
That's it!

A GP noticed that a patient's wound dressing was extremely loose and asked why this was.
The patient explained: "You told me not to get it wet, so whenever I take a shower, I take it off."

A retired doctor has invented an aphrodisiacal insecticide. It doesn't kill the insects directly, but it allows people to swat two at a time.

A GP was having marriage problems. His wife told him she would dance on his grave. He decided to be buried at sea.

A GP recommends sex for insomnia. The patient's don't get any more sleep, but they have more fun staying awake.

A GP was asking an elderly man in a nursing home how long he had been married.
"I'm not sure. A fair while. Just before I came in here we were near the end of our second bottle of Tabasco sauce."

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother (a GP) finally laid down the law, based on an idea she had heard at a Female GP Medical Convention: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.

The plan backfired a bit. By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks Mom; keep up the good work."

A patient with dyslexia became involved in devil worship. Now she worships Santa.

A GP is walking down the street returning to his car after a house-call. He notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the GP decides to be of help.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the GP smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A man goes to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for
A while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, do you want to hear a doctor joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a whisper the barman says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's fair - that you know five things:
#1 - The owner of the bar, just behind you, is a doctor.
#2 - The bouncer is a medical student.
#3 - I'm a doctor with a black belt in karate.
#4 - The man to your left is a doctor who is also a professional weight lifter.
#5 - The lady to your right is a doctor and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Two medical students were in a bar discussing medical topics over a beer.
Suddenly a man at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that he is in real distress, and the students turn to look at him.
"Can you swallow? asks one of the students.
No, the man shakes his head.
"Can you breathe?" asks the other.
The man, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes his head No again.
The first student walks over to him, undoes the man's belt, lowers his trousers around his ankles, turns him around and starts licking around the edge of the man's underpants.
This shocks the man to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of his mouth, and he begins to breathe again.
The student walks back over to his table and takes a drink of his beer.
The other student says, " That was great! I'd heard of the Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I'd never seen it demonstrated."

"You've got to help me," the young man implored. "I can't stop thinking that I'm a goat!"
His GP asked, "And how long have you had this problem?"
The man replied, "Ever since I was a kid."

On the first day at the resort, the GP and his wife decided to hit the beach. When he went back to their room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making the bed. He grabbed their cooler, but not being sure of the hotel rules he stopped at the door and asked the maid, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."

A female GP was out shopping with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the
play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's handand said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their
balls in parentheses?"

A GP accompanied her 6 year old daughter's class on camp. She was helping one of the students put on his boots? He was really struggling, so she began pulling and him pushing. The boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, after several minutes the first boot was on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Doctor, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
"Now," she said sweating profusely, "where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."

A young woman was anxious and was biting her fingernails down to the 'quick'. Her GP was developing an interest in complementary medicine and advised her to take up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her GP, attempting some evaluation of her approach, asked her if she believed if the yoga had controlled her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

A man went to the drugstore to buy deodorant.
"The ball type?" asked the pharmacy assistant.
"I'm not sure."
"Or aerosol?"
"No," replied the man, "neither of those areas ………..I want the kind that goes under the arms!"

A woman takes her 4 year old son to a visit to the GP.
In an attempt top build rapport, the doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?"
He tells her, "Yes my name is Timmy."
"And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?"
"Yes her name is Mommy," said Timmy.
"And what is Mommy's real name?"
And little Timmy says, "It's Tammy."
"That is great," the doctor said. "And what is your daddy's name?"
Timmy said, "It is daddy."
"I see. And what does mommy call him?"
Timmy said, "Asshole."

A medical receptionist called the IT help desk because she was having a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The receptionist sitting next to me is under a window and hers is working just fine."

A police car pulls up in front of a GP's surgery and an elderly gentleman gets out. The polite policeman explains to the receptionist that the poor gentleman was lost in the park but gave them the name of his GP.
'Oh dear,' says the receptionist, 'Poor Mr Robinson. I'll get doctor to assess you. I think you have a booking here today, anyway. Thank you for bringing him here, officer'
Leaning close to the receptionist, so that the policeman can't hear, Mr. Robinson whispers to the receptionist: 'I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk here.'

Two GPs decided to meet over a cuppa.
'Tea or coffee, gentlemen?' asks the waiter.
'I'll have tea,' says the first GP.
'Me, too - and be sure the cup is clean!' says the second GP.
Soon the waiter returns with two cups of tea.
'Two teas,' he says. 'Which of you gentlemen asked for the clean cup?'

A GP was having trouble with my computer. He called a computer technician for help who clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave the GP a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, the GP inquired, "So, what was wrong?"
The technician replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
The GP didn't want to appear stupid, but none the less asked: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," the GP replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So he wrote out.... I D 10 T

'What flavours of ice cream do you have?' inquires the customer, a GP.
'Vanilla, strawberry and chocolate,' answers the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the GP customer asks, 'Do you have laryngitis?'
'No,' replies the new waitress with some effort, 'just…um…vanilla, strawberry and chocolate.'

A pipe bursts in a doctor's house and he calls a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and hands the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaims, 'This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor.'
The plumber quietly answers, 'Neither did I when I was a doctor.'

Two elderly couples are enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asks the other, 'Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?'
'Outstanding,' Fred replies. 'They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization and association. It made a huge difference for me.'
'That's great! What was the name of the clinic?'
Fred goes blank. He thinks and thinks, but can't remember. Then a smile breaks across his face and he asks, 'What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?'
'You mean a rose?'
'Yes that's it!' He turns to his wife. 'Rose, what was the name of that clinic?'

An eighty-five-year-old man is instructed by his doctor that he needs to collect a semen specimen. The man is given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well,' the old man starts, 'I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then she tried with her left - nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing.'
The doctor bursts out, 'You asked your neighbour?'
'Yep, no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open.'

A man visits his doctor for his regular check-up. The doctor is not too pleased with what he finds and asks the man to send his wife to see him. The wife goes to see the doctor who tells her that her husband has a very serious heart condition.
'Don't be too alarmed though,' the doctor reassures her. 'With the right treatment he can live a long and happy life. You will have to give him every attention. Treat him very gently. Don't ask him to do any work around the house. No lawn mowing or anything like that. In fact, you must pamper his every whim. Cook his favourite dishes. Never get cross with him when he gets difficult - and he will. Always do whatever it is he feels like doing. Spoil him totally and you will have your husband for a very long time.'
When she arrives home, the husband says, 'What did the doctor say?'
The wife replies, 'You're going to die.'

A young woman got her boyfriend's new telephone number from the internet, dialled it -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" she asked confused.
"Umm, he's in the shower," was the response. "Can I take a message and get him to get back to you?"
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," she said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, she dialled again. This time a man answered. He was a local GP on-call.
"This is Dr Mike Hummell," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" she exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

A GP, accompanied by her young daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

A married couple are in a terrible accident and the woman's body is burnt all over, worse on the face which requires grafting. The doctor tells the husband that they can't graft any skin from her body because of her other burns which may scar. So the husband decides to donate some of his own skin for the operation. However, the doctor finds that the only suitable place to take the skin is from his buttocks. The husband requests that no-one be told of this, because, after all, it is a very delicate matter.
After the surgery is complete, everyone is astonished at the woman's new face. She looks more beautiful than she did before! All her friends and relatives rant and rave at her youthful looks. She is alone with her husband one day and she wants to thank him for what he did.
She says: 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you.'
He replies, 'Oh don't worry, Honey, I get thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek.'

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny, the local GPs son, known for his embarrassing comments. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just beautiful!'"

A new, young doctor doing his residency in obstetrics was quite embarrassed to perform female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly during the exam.
One day, the middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry, was I accidentally tickling you?"
She replied, "No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

A GP was complaining to a new colleague at a local medical association meeting: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then pow! It was all gone."
"What happened?" asked the colleague.
"My wife found out."

A GP and his wife have been going through some domestic tension. One morning, he gets up, prints something out off the internet, escapes to his shed and emerges with a home-made kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds and then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times, while his wife watches from the kitchen window.
Muttering to herself that men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to her husband: "You need more tail!"
The GP turns with a confused look on his face and says: "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

A strong young labourer at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of a part-time worker who was a medical student. After several minutes, the medical student had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet the equivalent of a week's worth of your wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, you weedy nerd," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The student reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young labourer, he said, "All right. Get in."

A man whose wife was going into labour dialled the emergency number in a panic. When the triage operator answered, he cried, "My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only two minutes apart. What do I do?" The operator said, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" "No," the frantic man replied. "This is her husband."

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town, the favourite haunt of the local GP. The guy starts on a run of doctor jokes. Well into it, the GP stands up and yells: "OK jerk, I've heard enough of you denigrating the medical profession. How dare you stereotype doctors that way. It's guys like you who undermine the town's respect for myself and my work, all in the name of humour, for you to try and get a quick laugh and earn a buck!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the GP pipes in: "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bloke on your knee!"

A GP and a religious minister are seated next to each other on a plane. The plane is delayed on the ground due to some technical problems. Just after taking off the pilot offers his apologies to the passengers and announces that a free round of drinks will be served.
When the charming flight attendant comes around with her trolley, the doctor orders a gin and tonic for himself. The flight attendant then asks the minister whether he would like anything.
He replies; "No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol!"
The GP promptly hands his G & T back to the flight attendant and says: "I didn't realise there was a choice!"

One evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a GP was tucking her young son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice: "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug "I can't dear'" she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying: "The big sissy!"

A GP husband and his wife decided to take their two children, then ages seven and three, to their favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.
Beetroot-red with embarrassment, the Dad warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"
A man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!"

A new, young mother came into a GP's office with her newborn twins. A medical student was attached to the practice. The student asked the new mum if she ever had any trouble telling the twins apart apart.
She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven't had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth."

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

A man walked into a dentists's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a GP, possibly a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."

Many patients call the surgery where I am a GP to discuss their pathology results. One irate woman demanded, in the absence of her GP, that someone describe every surgery test that another GP had done on her during the consultation, as these were not on the list of results from pathology.
Reluctantly, I offered to help the nursing sister with this job.
After introducing myself and checking her identity, I scanned what the doctor had written.
Starting with the first test in her notes, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."
She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"

An professor of medicine announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow on my ward rounds. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the group a medical student called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

Two elderly ladies were sitting in the GPs waiting room, when one looked at the other and said, "I hate it when the doctor runs late. I've been sitting here so long that my butt has fallen asleep."
To which the other lady says, "I know. I heard it snoring."

A dentist was known for his gentleness and often would say "Just a tickle" before a needle or procedure. One patient praised him for his manner and said that it appeared to her that he was "born to be a dentist".
"Not really", said the dentist. "I always wanted to be a classical pianist.
"My parents discouraged me, however" he moaned.
"Then I realised that there's more than one way to tickle the ivories".

A mother complained to her GP about her daughter's strange eating habits.
"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her, doctor?", the mother inquired.
"Eventually," said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

Wayne, a medical student, had proposed to young Kylie, and was being interviewed by Jack, his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you will earn enough to support a family?" the older man asked Wayne the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Wayne, "I'm sure that I will."
"Think long and carefully now" said Kylie's father ………."There are twelve of us .………….. including uncle Izzy"

A GP was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, checked the transfer of his doctors' bag to the new boot, the few files he had for some house calls, but finally decided he had everything with him.
Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

One day, after a man claimed to have presented for a "checkup", the doctor, following the assessment and sensing that there was another agenda said, "All is going well. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2."

A woman in her 90's was distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She couldn't live without him and decided that the best way to do herself in was to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. She didn't want to linger so she called her GP to find out exactly where the heart is. He told her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he said, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the GP was called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

A city-born GP started a practice in the countryside. He had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there and the farmer required ongoing visits. After a few housecalls he stopped going to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask what was the matter …… didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance ……..every time I enter the farm, they insult me!"

A man walked into his GP's office complaining he had lost all hearing in his right ear. "Let me take a look," said the doctor. "I see the problem. You've got a suppository stuck in your ear!" The patient asked to use the phone, called home and said, "Margaret...you can stop looking for my hearing aid...I know where it is."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredible- she does everything absolutely backwards," said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 tablets of digoxin PG every 12 hours - she started giving him 12 tablets every 2 hours and he nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing, earlier this week I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours - she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour, the poor the guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh no!," said the first doctor...
"I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick a patient's boil!"

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to his GP. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you sound and look OK to me," said the GP after a careful history and examination, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are Hepatitis C positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab. Or have you had a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport and I haven't had a transfusion - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Have you been having unprotected or unsafe sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier."

A rural GP was near the end of a long distinguished career. He stood on a hill overlooking the town with the new medical student attached to the practice.
"See those children playing soccer?" he said. "I delivered every one. But do you think I'll be remembered as an obstetrician? No!"
"See the Mayor's office. I saved his life by operating on his appendix whilst giving the anaesthetic at the same time. Do you think I'll be remembered as a surgeon or anaesthetist? No!"
"See the town people moving to and for. I've cared for their ills and foibles throughout their lives. Do you think they'll remember me as a great general practitioner? No!"
"See that hospital? I worked in it for 40 years and helped raise the money for the new wing. Do you think I'll be remembered as a great benefactor? No!"
"But, have sex with one sheep…"

A goldfish staggered into the GP's surgery and just managed to flip up onto the chair, breathlessly.
"What can I do for you today?" the GP asked.
"…water!..." the goldfish gasped.

A penguin walked into a family physicians office and noticed the empty waiting room. She asked the office staff, "Is my brother in with the doctor?"
"What does he look like?" said the receptionist.

A polar bear, at the end of a consultation with a GP, said: "May I also have a script for…………..my…………….blood pressure tablets?"
The GP replied: "Certainly, but why the big pause?"
"Well, I'm a polar bear," was the reply.

Another trick question played on a GP by a child:
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Rabbits Farts

The GP was woken by a call in the middle of the night by a man who the doctor assessed to be a member of the worried well who was not a patient of the practice, requesting a house call.
When the doctor said that he did not feel the problem warranted a house call and that he didn't know the area very well that the man was from, the man responded: "Doctor, I'll tell you where to go."
Unfortunately, the annoyed GP beat him to it.

A young Australian GP finally was able to organise a holiday in Europe. He bought a plastic wrapped book at the airport for the long flight entitled: Twenty Ways to Mate: Translated from the French with Original Illustrations.
It seemed a very long flight, but at least he learnt some chess moves.

A trick question, in the guise of biology, asked by a young patient of a GP:
Q: Why do mice have small balls?
A: Because so few know how to dance.

Whilst jotting notes between patients, the GP accidentally let loose a whooper of a fart. The scent was unmistakable, and, fishing out a can of air freshener, he hurriedly sprayed the room.
Mrs. Jackson was called in minutes later when he thought the air had cleared and, sniffing the air as she walked into the consulting room, she candidly announced, "Good God, Doc! It smells like someone did a shit in a pine tree!"

A GP was asked to facilitate a local medical education meeting. Just before the clinical part of the session he was handed a piece of paper with an apology for the evening.
He announced: " One of our guest specialist colleagues cannot be with us tonight because his wife is 111 tonight." He added off the cuff, "What an achievement!"
There was a short pause during some whispering into his ear and then the GP said in a somewhat more subdued voice, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. His wife is ill tonight."

A GP rang an airline customer-service agent, to ask if she could take her dog on board.
She was told that the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. It was further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the GP complained.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David, a GP, and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favourite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm and whispered, "Self-Raising, isn't it?"

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his Mom asked him "What do you have in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, "What do you have in your hand."
So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he will get scared away."
In desperation (and because of the odour) the boy was taken to his GP.
The boy told the GP that in his hand was "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he will get scared away."
The GP asked the parents to leave the room so he could talk to the boy on his own.
After some gentle persuasion, the boy agreed to show the GP what was in his hand.
The little boy opened his hand and said, "See! Look how much you scared him!"

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the examination, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor virtually cut her off trying to reassure her, "I know, I know, I get the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

The GP was attending a medical conference and his wife and seven year old son came to see him off at the airport. After verifying his seat number with the attendant, the GP walked back to his relatives and said that he'd have to wait another three hours in the airport and that they may as well go home.
"How come?" his son asked.
"My plane has been grounded," the dad explained.
"Grounded?!" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

A GP shared with a patient a great appreciation of the music of Elvis Presley.
He was invited to the man's funeral and asked to choose an Elvis song during the ceremony. He chose "Love me Tender." It was to be played as the family entered the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to "Return to Sender."

One night the young medical student brought her boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance; leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Kylie," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the student, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

The ophthalmologist said to the patient, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!"

The man told his GP that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"That's an interesting resolution. What did she say?" asked the GP.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

A local GP is visiting an elementary school talking to the 4th grade children. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings, as the school is concerned about youth depression and believe that children can be taught to avoid 'catastrophising". The teacher asks the GP if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."
So the illustrious GP asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the GP, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus trhat I was on drove off a cliff, killing me, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the GP. "That's what we would call an ACCIDENT as well as being a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. The GP searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a "tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If an airplane that you were a passenger on was struck by a terrorist and you were killed, that would be a tragedy."
The GP is curious."Can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would not be a great loss."

Two female GPs decided to catch up with each other in a café attached to a major department store. As they left from having lunch, a perfume sales assistant sprayed the two women with a new fragrance. When one of the GPs commented that she thought that the perfume was too strong, the sales assistant replied, "The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off."
"See!" the other GP chided. "I told you not to have that second drink."

A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered severe sunburn to his legs. His skin turned bright red and started to blister and the legs were very painful. Anything that touched them caused agony. He was admitted under a GP at the local beachside hospital. The GP checked him out and then ordered intravenous fluids with electrolytes, a soothing cream, analgesia or anti-inflammatories prn, a mild sedative, and an oral tablet for erectile dysfunction.
Rather astounded, the medical student attached to the hospital inquired, "What good will an oral tablet for erectile dysfunction do him in that condition?"
The GP replied, "It'll keep the sheet off his legs."

A GP received a call from an anxious woman who was holidaying in the area. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much insulin and not enough food today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" the GP asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Two medical students attached to a general practice were asked to check on an elderly man who, according to his wife, had become disoriented at home. They were concerned by the results of their assessment and decided to be proactive and, rather than disturb their GP supervisor, to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital for evaluation. One accompanied the patient and the other would follow by car.
En route, with siren going, the one accompanying the patient questioned him to determine his level of awareness and to be able to report his condition to the hospital staff and, later, the wife and GP.
Leaning close, he asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "Fairly fast. I'd say about 95, maybe 100."

A family physician with hospital admitting rights went to check on her very famous patient after an operation. The patient was awake, so she examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.
The patient asked the doctor, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The doctor seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
She replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A family physician and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the doctor realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00AM for an early morning flight to a medical conference.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00AM".
The next morning the doctor woke up, only to discover it was 9:00AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00AM. Wake up."

A GP was asked to make a house call.
As he walked up to the house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
"Is your mother home?" the doctor asked.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, leaning over to let him past. The GP rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. The GP was thinking of ringing the police or breaking in.
Turning to the boy, the doctor said, "I thought you said your mother was home."
The kid replied, "She is."
The doctor said, "Then why doesn't she answer the door when I knock? Is she hard of hearing? He she awake? Do you know if she is alert?" He dare not mention the possibility of death."
"She can't hear it," replied the boy, "because I don't live here."
The GP also did not have the right house.

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a GP."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the pharmacy that can diagnose anything faster and more cheaply than a GP. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about
it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the pharmacy. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The
computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. It gave instructions to rest, avoid heavy lifting, exercises using a towel and about an anti-inflammatory rub and that it would start to improve in about two weeks with this regimen.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. He also needs vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

The widow was crying during her visit to the GP.
"We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "It must have been true love."
"No, I outweighed him by 20 kilos and he was a coward."

Four medical students are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
The first one says, "I believe it's nerve conduction, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly travels to the brain and becomes a response."
The second student says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you don't miss a thing."
The third student says, "Well, I think it's electricity, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
The fourth student says, "Well, I think it's diarrhoea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhoea? Why?"
The fourth student says, ""Well, when I woke this morning, I felt this fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on... It was all over."

A GP is driving a long distance to see his parents. He stops at a petrol station to refuel and use the toilet. Someone in the next toilet starts talking.
Stranger: Hey, how's it going?
GP: (embarrased) Umm, not too bad, you?
Stranger: Not too bad, what have you been up to?
GP: Working hard. I'm just off to see my parents for the weekend.
Stranger: Listen, would it be okay if I came to your house on Wednesday?
GP: (nervous) Uhh …. Do you know me? You're probably best to see me at work.
Stranger: Listen Mike I gotta call you back. Some idiot in the next stall keeps answering all my questions.

A family physician and her receptionist were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the receptionist told the doctor in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
She agreed and, like a lady, insisted the other go first.
"I'm wrong," the receptionist said.
With a twinkle in her eye, the doctor responded, "You're right!"

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great, just great. Some asshole's got my pen."

Doctor, you have to help me, said the patient. When I drive down a country road, I find myself singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' Every time I see a cat I sing 'What's new Pussycat?' Last night I sang 'Delilah' in my sleep and my wife is really angry and suspicious.
I wouldn't worry, said the GP. It seems you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome.
I have never heard of it, said the patient. Is it common?
It's not unusual, replied the GP

.A GP was trying to teach her son manners and told him to thank the parents after he had been invited to a sleepover or party.
His Dad had picked him up and brought him home from a party soon afterwards. The Mum asked whether the son had thanked the hostess.
"No, the girl in front of me did and the lady said 'Don't mention it' - so I didn't."

Our medical student (from the last two day's Mirth), after he had sorted out the issue of tax, said "Actually, could I please have a six pack of condoms instead, Miss?"
Don't Miss me!" she said in disgust.
"All right," he responded, "make it a nine pack."

A medical student was suffering from a groin problem. He went to a pharmacy to buy an over-the-counter preparation and approached a women in a white dress.
"Excuse me, " he said "but I have a rash in my groin that is very itchy. There is some redness of the skin of my testes and the rash and itch spread onto the perineum and around the perianal area. I have scratched at night to the point of bleeding. What do you suggest?"
"Why don't you ask someone who works here?!" she exclaimed.

GP: "How old would a person be who was born in 1955?"

Smart GP Registrar: "Man or Woman?"

A young boy, dressed as a pirate, was brought to the GP on his way to a party.
The GP thought he would try and engage the child by attempting to talk at his level.
"And where are your buccaneers?" he enquired.
"Under my buckin' hat!" the boy replied.

A very humble doctor was introduced as a man "famous for being outstanding in his field." When he got up to speak, he thanked the meecee and said "Actually, it's just that in summer, if I'm home in time, I usually like to watch the sunset"

A young GP came home exhausted and ordered a Thin Crusty Supreme, to be home delivered. Thirty minutes later, Diana Ross knocked on his door!

An analogue of Viagra, the male sexual enhancement drug, without ED benefits has been found to possesses anti-biotic qualities.
As an anti-biotic, it will be marketed under the generic name, mycoxaflopin.

Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: Easy...You just ring them up and tell them you can't come.

A GP was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood during a health education session at a nearby school. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, children, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes" the children said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A bot suggested, "Cause your feet ain't empty, Doc."

A lady was browsing through everything at a garage sale and said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be so upset when he finds out I stopped at a garage sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," the hostess replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me at home to pick him up and to take him to the GP to have it set."

A woman said to her doctor, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all."
The doctor takes some further history, examines her thoroughly and gives her a script for some pills and tells her to take one every day and come back in a week.
The woman returns, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!"
The doctor says "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"

A GP walked in to a local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap. The shop assistant said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
"You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?"
"A Toyota."
"How big is it?"
He makes a circle with his hands about 8 cms in diameter.
"What does it do?".
"I don't know but it's always been there."
The GP was asked to draw a picture of it. So he makes a circle about 8 cms in diameter and in the centre he writes 710. The guys behind the counter is looking at it upside down as he writes it and he goes and gets the GP an OIL cap.

A medical student had a holiday job in the produce section of a rural market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The student said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the student and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The student replied, "The city."
"Oh really? Why did you leave the city?" asked the manager.
The student replied, "They're all just prostitutes or football players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from the city!" the student replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed female GP who was shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

A computer savvy medical student walked into the library area of the general practice he was attached to and glanced at the medical texts and journals stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books and magazines?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, the GP replied that they were medical texts and clinical journals.

"Really?" the student said. "Someone printed them all out?"

A new nurse heard the new doctor yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

She asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he is the new doctor. He just likes to call the shots around here."

God was sitting in heaven one day when a doctor said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Medicine has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the doctor, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the doctor bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

A recently retired GP and his wife are sitting in their living room amazed that he has finally stopped working and that they are going to have some time together,when the old woman leans over and says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?"

The old man smiles and nods and grabs his wife's hand.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?"

He puts his arm around her.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble my ear?"

To the woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says.

The old man replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."

At one point during a game, the GP-coach called one of his 7-year-old soccer players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the GP-coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an off-side is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the GP-coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for
50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out is wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the mailman was dead on their porch.

Two newlyweds went to their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.
He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discoloured.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio. It only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles. It only effects the knees."
When he removed his underpants his wife gasped and said "Don't tell me ….. you also had smallcox!"

A man who had a reputation as a road-hog was lying semi-conscious in a hospital bed.
"How is he this morning?" the doctor inquired.
"Oh," replied the nurse, "he keeps putting out his right arm"
"Ah! remarked the doctor. "This could be a sign of improvement. I think he might be starting to turn the corner."

Patient: "Doctor, if I masturbate, will I go blind?"
GP: "Not as far as I can see."

An accountant had trouble with insomnia.
"Have you tried counting sheep?" asked the GP.
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Every thing inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know, I like construction workers those guys always understand when the job takes longer than you said it would, and you have a few parts left over at the end and."
The fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and arse are interchangeable!

Ron Lewin, Melbourne

Asked of a GP by an 8 year old patient:
Q. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A. Because They Have Big Fingers.

Now that they were considering retirement, the poorly paid GP and his wife were discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" the GP asked his wife.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she was so active for her age.

Then the wife asked the GP, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

A GP's daughter attended University studying Art. An art-student friend of his
daughter asked if he could paint the GP's portrait for a class assignment. The GP agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.

The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were all incorrect. "The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too narrow, and the neck is way too long."

The next day, the art student brought his friend's father, who was visiting the University, to meet the professor.

He took one look at the GP and said, "Okay, A minus."

"What's the use of having an appointment system if the doctor is always running late?" complained an irate patient to the medical receptionist.
"How would we know the doctor was late, if we didn't have an appointment system?" replied the receptionist.

A GP was inter-viewing people for a position as receptionist. One candidate offered excellent references and experience and was well-dressed and
well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the
woman couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the GP decided to be frank, "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put patients off. Have you considered having it assessed for possible management. It may be Tourette's syndrome which could be very treatable"

"I'm glad you brought that up, doctor," said the prospective receptionist, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirin. See for yourself, I've got some on me." And she began emptying her purse onto the desk.

The GP was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multicolored ones, every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young woman happily, "here they are." She brandished two aspirin, dissolved them in her mouth, and sure enough, the tic went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the GP sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want my practice to be represented by some sex crazed woman, after all."

"No fear. I'm a happily married woman."

"So how can you account for the contents of your purse?"

"It's simple, doctor. Did you ever go into a pharmacy, winking
like crazy, and ask for a packet of dissolvable aspirin?"

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her GP to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The GP said that before he assessed her, there was a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 3 metres away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 2 metres, then 1 metre and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 3 metres away, let's see what happens." "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 2 metres away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 1 metre away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

On to the kitchen door, only half a metre away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,"said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully "and thank God we can all still drive"

A man comes to his GP with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen", says the doc "I have migraines, too.., and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom and, even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex... and almost always the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! it REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well", says the GP, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You also have a really nice
house."

A man says to his GP, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

After a few years of married life, a man finds, although still attracted to his wife, that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. The GP feels he has ruled out organic causes and is concerned about an unidentified psychological cause and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the psychiatrist has not made any headway.
Out of desperation, the man goes to a witchdoctor, recommended by a mate.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234'
and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3"
and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

The man staggered into the doctor’s surgery. He had three knives protruding out of his back, his head and was bleeding from a gunshot wound, and his legs had been badly beaten by a hockey stick.
The doctor’s receptionist looked up at this pitiful sight and said: “Do you have an appointment?”

While out one morning jogging in the park, a GP found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A woman standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. Their eyes met.
“What’s that?” she asked, embarrassed.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the woman sympathetically, “that must be painful, I had tennis elbow once.”

A GP researcher was speaking to an audience of townspeople and at the end, decided to use the occasion to carry out a little pilot project. He was attempting to explore the connection between happiness and the amount of sex in people’s lives.
He asked those in the audience who indulged every night to raise their right hands. Only five percent did so, all laughing merrily.
He then asked how many people indulged about once a week, and seventy percent raised their hands, smiling contentedly as they did so.
Then the people who indulged once every month were asked to raise their hands, but it was noticeable that these people neither laughed nor smiled.
The GP felt that he had showed a connection which could be explored further in a study in a general practice population – but, to add weight to the argument, he asked those who only indulged once every year to raise their hands. A tall man at the back of the hall leapt from his chair, waving his hands and laughing loudly.
The GP was astonished at this apparent contradiction to his hypothesis, and he asked the man if he could explain why he was so happy.
The man replied: “Certainly. It’s tonight! It’s tonight!”

A GP was thrilled to get the job of doctor covering the local racetrack. A mate had asked him to fill in on the day and reassured him that nothing ever happened except someone possibly feinting in the crowd.

The GP had a prominent trackside position and was making a bit of money with some betting.

During the fourth race, someone threw a bottle of whisky at the leading horse, causing it to lose some rhythm. Soon after, it lost distance when a whicker basket landed just in front of and to the side of it. This was followed by the jockey being hit in the head by a pudding and the horse by small jars of jam and handfuls of peanuts rained down around them. The horse came fourth.

The GP was furious as he had lost a lot of money on this hot tip. He wasn’t sure how to make an official complaint or how he could use his medical knowledge and clout to protest, so he asked the race Stewart to investigate whether the horse had been hampered.

A motorcyclist offered to give a friend a lift across the Nullabor Plain (in Australia) on the back of his bike and to prevent the wind from penetrating, he suggested that the friend put his leather coat on backwards. About 15 minutes past a small town, the driver has a premonition and, looking behind, notices that he has lost his passenger. He turns the bike around to go and find his friend.

As he comes into the small town, a crowd is gathered around by the side of the road. His friend is lying dead!

A local first-aider is the first to speak. “He seemed alright when I got to him, but he just died suddenly when I tried to correct his neck to keep his airway clear”.

The GP was on her way home from a long and stressful day at the surgery, the car phone rang. It was her husband.
"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool tonight?" he asked.
"What a lovely way to spend an evening," she thought. For a change, there were no house calls, no inpatients to visit and no nursing home visits to do. She was about to tell him how considerate he was and what a lovely romantic thought it was, how she would stop off for a bottle of bubbly, when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."

A psychiatrist is making rounds in the psychiatric ward when he finds one of the patients standing on his bed in a military pose with his right hand inserted part-way into his shirt.

"And who are you?" asks the psychiatrist.

"Napoleon," replies the patient.

"And who told you that you are Napoleon?" asks the psychiatrist.

"God told me," says the patient.

From the next bed comes the announcement: "I did not!"

Robert M. Wolfe, MD
Chicago

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job as practice nurse, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the practice nurse shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers (surgeries) and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.
It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

A busy GP practice decided to leave the shortlisting of receptionist staff to the practice manager and then the doctors in the practice would interview those shortlisted. The practice manager decided that she wanted to find out something about the personalities of the interviewees to impress the doctors, so she made up her own discriminating question and asked the first applicant, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The girl responded confidently, "The living one!"

During the training of a medical-group receptionist, she was told never to recommend one of the doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at her conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"
Knowing her supervisor was listening close by, the receptionist tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," she replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors."
"Well, you must know!" the woman said, heading for the door.

A GP is lying in bed in a hospital ward with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands. But I will look". She pulls the blanket and sheet back, undoes his pyjamas and inspects his genitals, with a blush. "Everything looks fine to me."
The ward sister was passing and saw the GP getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong and to see what nurse was up to.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
"Didn't nurse just answer that!"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She knew doctors could be difficult patients. She whipped back the bedclothes, again undid and pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look and squeeze, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing
wrong with them!!!"
At this the GP pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,"Are my test results back???"

A patient recounted the following story about her new job:

She was hired at the 'Tickle Me Elmo' (a cuddly toy which laughs when tickled) factory. The Personnel Manager explained her duties and told her to report to work promptly at 8.00am. The following is reported from the reports of workmates and the patient's own experiences.
The next day at 8.45am there was a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The assembly line foreman came in and started ranting about this new employee. He said she was incredibly slow and the whole line was backing up. The foreman took the Personnel Manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos were backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line was the new employee. She had a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and started sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager started laughing hysterically.
After several minutes he pulled himself together, walked over to the woman (my patient) and says "I am sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday, I said, your job is to give each Elmo two 'test tickles' ".

A GP had spent many a long isolated year as a solo GP in a rural area. He was a great believer in educating patients and helping them to have autonomy for their health care so as not to rely on a doctor.
At his retirement party, the local mayor began his thanks with: "We didn't know what disease was until you came into the town."

Doctor, can you give me anything for sleepwalking?
Here try this. After you get into bed for the night, sprinkle the contents of this small box onto the floor around your bed where you get out.
Is it a special powder?
No, a box of drawing pins!

"What are you going to call your healthy baby son?" asked the proud GP-obstetrician.
"We thought of calling him Jared, but every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Jared, nowadays.

The elderly GP was bouncing his grandson on his knee.
"Grandad, can you make a sound like a frog?" he was asked.
"I suppose so…why?"
"Well Dad said to Mum that we'd get a small fortune when you croak."

The bells of Notre Dame were silent this cold winter morning in Paris. Quasimodo had rung them every morning for about half a century. The people of Paris feared the worst for their beloved bellringer. Esmeralda (who had yet to depart from Paris) finally appeared and handed a note to a concerned priest of the cathedral. It was a sick note. "He can't work this morning," she explained, "he's got a bad back."

During counselling, a man describes his wife as 'temperamental'.
In what way, asked the GP.
"She's fifty percent temper and fifty percent mental"

"Doctor, my wife lies to me!" explained the divorcing husband.
"How do you know?" asked the GP trying to dispute what he thought to be an irrational belief.
"She said that she spent Saturday evening with her friend Donna."
"How do you know that she didn't?" asked the GP.
"Because I spent Saturday evening with the same Donna!"

A GP was on tour in England and being guided around a museum at Stratford upon Avon.
"This is the skull of William Shakespeare," announced the tour guide.
"But that is the skull of a child!" said the GP.
The tour guide thought, then added: "It must have been from when he was a lad!"

A GP worked hard on a column of medical anecdotes before submitting them to a number of medical journals for possible publication. To avoid embarrassment to any patients or colleagues, he added: "The characters in this column are purely fictional and bear no resemblance to any person, living or dead."
One of the journals that rejected the manuscript had a small note attached on which was written: "That's what's wrong with it."

A GP was doing a shift in the local emergency centre where patients were taken into cubicles and "prepared".
His next patient was standing in a bra and high-heels only. He quickly glanced at the presenting complaint on the card: "Cough".
"When the nurse asked you to strip to the waist for the examination, he meant you to strip from the neck down, not from the feet up!"
"I thought that," she replied, "but the last doctor who came and said 'Nurse didn't mean 'bra'. When you are ready, I will come back' and this is what I thought she meant!"

A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover.

The chemist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes."

"Errr... it's not for my armpits," she flustered, embarrassed, "it's for my Chihuahua."

"Oh well, in that case," said the chemist, "don't ride a bike for twenty-four hours."

A GP was asked to give a talk at a local business club dinner. Towards the end of the meal the emcee asked the GP, "Should we allow the audience to enjoy themselves a little longer, or should I introduce you now?"

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits.
"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her, doctor?," the mother inquired.
"Eventually," said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

A medical educator was correcting exam papers covering statistical aspects of epidemiology, when she came across Peter's effort. A sheet of paper, blank apart from his name and :
"Macbeth: Act11, Scene V, Line 28".
The teacher reached for her Shakespeare and turned to Macbeth where she found that the 28th line of the fifth scene of the second act read:
"I cannot do this bloody thing".

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, his GP was doing his rounds of his patients who were in hospital. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The GP reflected on the morbidity he had seen over the previous week and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

While trying to explain to his six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, the GP pointed to his brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in medical school, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, his daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?"

A GP was pleased with the patient's progress and said "You're coughing more easily this morning."
"I should be…I've been practicing all night!"

A man mentioned to his GP that boredom was creeping into his sex life with his wife. Following further history, the GP suggested that the couple try swapping positions when they next make love.
On review the patient looked dejected and added "When I said to my wife over dinner that doctor suggests we swap positions this evening, she turned on the tellie, had me standing at the ironing board ironing and she sat on the lounge farting!"

A GP was visiting a very devoted elderly couple in a nursing home. The man got the GP aside and said he didn't think he could live without his wife and he hoped that he 'went' first.
The GP asked, "How do you think your wife would carry on without you?"
"I've thought about that ….. I don't really mind ….. as long as she behaves herself while I'm still around!"

Strange genetics:
Q: What do you get if you cross a road with a chicken?
A: The answer we've all been looking for.

A GP was amazed when asked to remove chewing gum bilaterally from the ears of a 70 year old patient.
She had arrived in the area only the day before following her first ever airplane flight.
"My daughter suggested I use chewing gum to stop my ears hurting during descent," she explained. "But I couldn't get it out."

A GP was asked to do a housecall on a young girl with possible croup.
He saw the father in the workshop of his garage as he pulled up and stopped to say hello and enquire how things were. During the conversation, bouts of coughing could be heard.
"Is that her coughing?" asked the G.P.
The Dad looked worried. "No…….. I didn't think things were that bad………I'm making her a go-cart for when I hoped she would be better!"

A patient came to a consultation excited. "I have just applied the knowledge you taught me in my first aid classes. There was an accident on the corner. A paedestrian had been hit by a car. He was unconscious, bleeding from scalp lacerations and he had a compound fracture of the right tibia. The driver was hysterical. The first aid training you taught the group came in so handy."
"What did you do?" beamed the G.P.
"I leaned down, put my head between my legs and prevented myself from fainting!"

A GP was feeling irritated by a patient's delay in consulting her because of self-treatment and advice from friends and alternative practitioners.
"Is there anyone else you have seen before you consulted me?" asked the frustrated GP.
"Yes, I also saw a pharmacist. She is a good friend."
"What type of dumb advice did she give you?"
"She told me to come to see you."

Research has discovered that up to 60% of people suffer from haemorrhoids. The other 40% are either unaffected or enjoy them.

The GP was establishing the sleep pattern of a patient with the complaint of insomnia.
"I sleep like a baby," said the man.
"Then what's the problem?" asked the GP.
"Every two hours I soil myself and I wake up crying."

A man presents to an ophthamologist complaining of watering eyes. During the history taking, he asks the doctor to have a look at a large human poo that he has brought with him in a paper bag. The specialist is disgusted by the sight and smell. "What did you bring that here for? I'm an eye doctor!" he snarled.
"Well…that's just it doctor…" mumbled the man. "Every time I pass one of these, my eyes water!"

Some things you don¹t want to hear in surgery:

-Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

-Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

-Better save that. We¹ll need it for the autopsy.

-Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

A GP was visiting a local nursing home. One of the residents, not a patient of his, was celebrating his 100th birthday. The GP joined in, gave his congratulations and enquired "To what do you attribute the fact that you have reached this remarkable milestone?"
"Well…," the old man reflected, "…I would have to say the main reason…that I have got to be one hundred years of age…is…that I was born in 1903."

A mother was telling her GP how upset she was that her son was learning swear words at school. She added: "If that's the type of thing he learns at school, I'll keep him at home and teach him myself!"

A medical student was doing a holiday job for extra income. A workman asked him "What's a cubic foot?" He answered that he wasn't sure of the exact metric equivalent and that the other worker would be best to ask the foreman. When the student saw the man again after lunch, he asked him if he had received the correct information from the foreman. "When I told him that you had recommended I ask him, he told me to go ahead and fill in a Claim Form and he would make sure I got the full compensation!"

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, knowing she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems O.K but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."

A woman went to the doctor asking about breast enlargement. The doctor explained the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra ("When you flap your arms up and down, the bra inflates"). For financial reasons, the woman chose the bra. The following week she went to a bar to try the new bra out. She saw an attractive man sitting having a drink who she thought looked familiar. Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man and ask if she knew him from somewhere. He started flapping his legs. "Maybe from a waiting room ……. I think we have the same doctor," he said.

An elderly couple go to the doctor for review. The man has a history, physical and urinalysis and is then sent back into the waiting room.

The wife is called in and the doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with your history and examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first. He has given permission"

The old woman asked, "Is it his heart?"

The doctor says, "No. I'm more concerned about his mind. When I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

The old woman responded, "Oh no …… he's peeing in the fridge again!"

The GP was doing some couple counselling. The woman snapped at her partner: "That's not true! I do enjoy sex!" She looked at the GP for sympathy: "But this animal expects it three or four times a year!"

A GP was opening a new practice and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new surgery site and the GP read the card, "Rest in peace". He couldn't recognise the name attached.

The GP called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the suspected mistake and, when confirmed, how angry he was, the florist settled him down with a reflection, "Doctor, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations with your new location.'

The aged, wasted partly palsied hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

"Do you remember that terribly pushy woman with the attitude problem who lived in the apartment above us?" "Yes, what about her?" "She's marrying a doctor she met when she went in for X-rays." "Really...I wonder what he saw in her?"

Soon after their last child left home for college, the GP was resting next to his wife on the couch with his head in her lap, trying to rekindle some intimacy in the relationship after years of distractions from the children . She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Darling," he replied, "without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

A GP sat down to help a receptionist with the latest software programme for their medical notes and billing. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him" she said, talking about the other GP in the practice. Surprised, he said that his colleague was far more experienced than he was. "Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after her gynaecologist had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones that were given to me have really helped, but I'm afraid that I may have been given too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor enquired further, in a reassuring way, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my ………… I think they're ………… testicles!"

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were at the GPs, she asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the Department of General Practice at the local university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director, The Professor of General Practice, decided to go to the local café for a cup of coffee. While drinking it, he told the café owner what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the man. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

A GP is siting beside a stranger in an airplane. The other guy says to the GP, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."

The GP, who had just opened a magazine, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and, not wanting to discuss medical matters says, "How about the possibility of war?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The GP says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss the possibility of war when you don't know shit?"

A GP was on the way to the golf course when he needed to buy some petrol. As he fished through his pockets for his credit card, he put two golf tees in his mouth.
When he removed them, the garage attendant, a patient of the GP, asked "What are those things for, Doc?"
"They're to rest my balls on when I'm driving," answered the GP.
"You GP's know all the tricks," said the admiring young man.

A GP from rural Australia was at Kings Cross in Sydney for a medical conference.
During the free morning for shopping, he became bored with the gift shops where his wife was browsing for trinkets for the grandchildren and he decided to get some fresh air out on the footpath.
A very attractive local girl approached him and said, "Are you looking for a woman?"
Out of curiosity he responded, "How much are you asking?"
"One hundred quid," she answered.
"No way!" he said, "I wouldn't give you ten!"
"You won't get much for that," she said and walked off in a huff.
Finally his wife emerged from the shop and they headed back to their hotel.
At the next corner they were confronted by the young woman who yelled, "I told you that you wouldn't get much for ten dollars!"

An Australian GP was holidaying in France and, whilst in a wine bar, ordered a local wine by the glass. When it was brought to him, he noticed a dead fly was floating upside down.
"Regardez. Danz mon vin. Le mouche."
"Not le mouche, monsieur. La mouche," replied the waiter.
"I think it's about time I had my eyes checked," thought the GP.

A young man told his GP that he was very embarrassed about the size of this penis and that potential sexual partners laughed at him. On examination, the willie certainly was weenie. The GP established that the man had no trouble appealing to women, talking with them, inviting them back to his apartment, or he to theirs. He suggested that perhaps he should try undressing with the lights out and slowly introducing his potential partner's hand to the smallish member so as not to shock.
The bloke thought it was worth a try as mates kept telling him size didn't matter and he was loathe to undergo penile enlargement surgery.
That weekend an attractive young lady accepted his invitation back to his apartment…the lights very dimmed very low during passionate moments of undressing, the girls hand was guided towards the miniscule erection.
In the dark she whispered…, "No thanks, I don't smoke!"

A GP was at the theatre with his wife and went out to the toilet at interval. He went through a wrong door and found himself in a garden. It seemed too well cared for to think of using the ground, so he lifted a plant and soil out of a flowerpot, replacing the plant afterwards.
When he got back to his seat the next Act had started so he whispered to his wife, "What happened at the opening of this Act?"
"You ought to know," she said coldly, "You were in it!"

A GP was examining a male patient and noticed that he was wearing a corset.
"I didn't know you had a back problem" he commented.
"I don't doctor. I've been wearing this corset ever since my wife found it in the glove box of my car."

A GP accepted an invitation to a dance for the local Deaf and Dumb Institute. The inmates were able to feel the vibrations of the dance band through the floor and join in and enjoy dancing just as well as those with hearing.
The GP decided to dance with one of the girls and approached an attractive blonde, making gestures and invited her to dance.
She smiled and accepted his invitation and turned out to be a very good dancer.
After the set, he invited her to dance another and they continued until supper, when he invited her out for a wine on the verandah.
A pushy young man came up to them and said, "What's going on…you said you would dance with me tonight!"
The girl said, "I planned to, but I can't get rid of this deaf and dumb chap."

Little Johnnie, in sixth grade, was found in a linen cupboard at school with a girl from his class. The teacher demanded to know what had happened or she would call his dad, the local GP.
"Well…," said Johnny, looking at his shoes, "I showed her my thing and she showed me her thing"
The teacher fainted, however, when Johnnie added: "Then one thing led to the other!"

Just when he thought he could relax on New Years Day, a GP got a call-out from the police to a local ice cream van.
There he found a dead body, with chocolate flakes sticking from each nostril, raspberry sauce throughout the hair, and a thick layer of hundreds and thousands plastered on top o the raspberry.
"What's happened here?" he asked.
The local policeman said: "It looks like he's topped himself."

A GP was too busy to make his fathers funeral, so he asked his brother to "…do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
The following month, a bill for $200 arrived, which he paid, thinking it quite reasonable.
The second month another bill arrived which he paid, assuming the bill had been split over two months.
When a bill for $200 arrived on the third month, he rang his brother to find out what it was about.
"You asked me to do something nice for Dad….," the brother said, "…so I rented him a tuxedo."

A medical student was asked to admit a patient to the ward and came upon a wizened, decrepit man.
"What is your secret to longevity?" she asked.
"I drink a bottle of whisky and six stouts and smoke 30 cigarettes a day. I live on deep-fried fish with chips, deep-fried chocolate bars and hot ice cream balls."
"That is amazing" she said, questioning the epidemiological research that she was learning. "How old did you say you were?"
"The man said proudly, "26"

A GP was involved in some couple counselling.
The woman complained: "What's-his-name here says I don't give him enough attention."

A GP became worried when a local builder mentioned that he and his new wife had mixed up their jars of putty and vaseline before their honeymoon.
He was relieved to hear that only a few windows in their home had fallen out.

A first grade teacher was trying to teach children about a reindeer to help them understand the song about Rudolph.
She held up a picture of a cat and asked what it was. Stevie got it right.
Mary got the picture of a dog correct. There was a silence when she held up the picture of a reindeer.
"For the family of animal it belongs to, think of what Mum might sometimes call your Dad" she hinted.
Little Johnnie, the local GP's son yelled out, "I know, I know!"
"Yes Johnnie?"
"A horny bastard, Miss!"

Two Proctologists were at a medical conference in a resort in outback Australia. They decided to enjoy the local highlights from the back of a camel for $ A 20. The owner warned them that the camel was highly trained to do the rounds of the town, stop briefly at the highlights, then return them to the start of the ride. Under no circumstances, he warned them, were they to get off the camel, otherwise it would return to it's home to eat grass. After some time there was no sign of the camel or doctors and people in queue for the ride were complaining. The owner was losing a lot of money. Eventually the two doctors could be seen forlornly walking back to the operator. "Please don't tell me you got off?" asked the owner incredulously when they arrived.
"We're sorry, but we did" they said together, despondently.
"But why?…Why would you get off when I told you not to?!"
"Well…the camel slowed down at a sight…and a man came along in a Holden, wound the window down, and yelled: 'Look at the two arseholes on the camel!'…and ……… well, we couldn't resist having a look!"

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a local rural GP. The GP said "You're in luck! I have just attended a post-graduate update in Emergency Medicine and it included a segment on salvaging severed body parts! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the GP said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub". Joe went to the pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the same GP. The GP, after a brief lecture on safety and prevention, said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back (early this time) in 6 hours the GP said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field, and there was Jim, practicing goal kicking.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the GP. The GP looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back in 18 hours." So Joe left. He returned, anxious, at the 18 hour mark, expecting the worst and, sure enough, the GP-surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."
Joe said "I understand - heads are tough"
The GP said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag!"

A woman asked a Pharmacist: "Do you have a tablet for erectile dysfunction?"
"We certainly do", he answered.
"Does it work?" she asked
"It is very successful, if there is physical attraction" he said.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"Normally only one is taken, but I suppose it's possible if I took two" he responded.

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A football coach?"

"The produce guy looked at him and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

"How much is an office visit?" demanded the caller. "Fifteen dollars."

"Okay, Doc," said the caller. "I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."

A recent poll disclosed the fact that 90% of all men masturbate in the shower.
The other 10% sing.
Do you know what they sing?...I didn't think so!

The merciful judge pardons the heinous.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."

"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thouroughly and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

A. The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything but is always a week late.

Q. From an orthopaedic surgeon?
A. Put it in a textbook.

Q. From a plastic surgeon?
A. Trick question - you can't.

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. ..and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

6. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

8. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

9. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

10. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

11. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

13. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

14. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

15. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

16. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

17. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"

Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

David: Every time we play Scrabble!

Doctor 'I'm afraid you have GASH'.

Man shocked 'GASH !'.

Doctor 'Yes , Gonorrhoea, AIDS, Syphilis and Herpes all rolled into one.'.

Man still shocked 'What are you going to do ?'

Doctor 'Well , we're going to confine you to a room by yourself and feed you Rye-Vita and Cheese'

Man 'Rye-Vita and Cheese ?!'.

Doctor 'It's the only thing that will fit under the door'.

'Well the bad new is that you've got an incurable liver disease,' says the doctor.

'And the terrible news ?' says the bloke.

''You've also got Alzheimer's,' says the doctor.

'Thank God,' says the bloke 'for a minute there I thought you were going to tell me I have an incurable liver disease.'

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee by injection when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a bum.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 4.8 mmol/L."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

"Neither do I," she replied, "but he's good with the kids!"

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of this year's (2002) winning entries with a medical flavour:

1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained

3. Abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie

7. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash

8. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

10. Balderdash (n) a rapidly receding hairline

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 4.8 mmol/L."

A man walks into a GP's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"Do you know what is the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor reflects and replies, "You're not eating properly."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of this year's (2002) winning entries with a medical flavour:

1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
7. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash
8. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
9. Balderdash (n) a rapidly receding hairline

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, " I didn't recognize you."

Adrienne James, Nurse educator, Alfred Hospital, Melbourne.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.