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You
may not be responsible for being down, but you must b responsible for
getting up. You
can always spot a well-informed man -- his views are the same as yours.
One
of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that
one's work is terribly important. Say
not that you know another entirely, until you have divided an inheritance
with him. Some
people think only intellect counts -- knowing how to solve problems, knowing
how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But
the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship,
compassion and empathy. Marriage
changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Time
is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students. I'm
so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. A
Meckel's diverticulum is frequently suspected, often sought, and rarely
found. And
in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in
your years. It's
a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into
hot water. My
wife thinks I'm too nosey. At least, that's what she keeps scribbling
in her diary. More
useful than the invention of the first telephone was that of the second
telephone. He
went on a crash diet and he looks a wreck. A
man went into a cloning shop. When he came out, he was beside himself. It's
easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you
in the express lane at the supermarket. A
friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I
won't say our school was tough, but we had our own coroner. We used to
write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. Those
are a success who have lived well, laughed often, and loved much; who
have gained the respect of intelligent people and the love of children,
who have filled their niche and accomplished their task, who leave the
world better than they found it, whether by a perfect poem or a rescued
soul; who never lacked appreciation of the earth's beauty or failed to
express it; who looked for the best in others and gave the best they had. We
deem those happy who from the experience of life have learnt to bear its
ills without being overcome by them. It
was 18 years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that,
drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio. A
van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail,
rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
There were no injuries. I
never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night.
Some
folks are wise and some are otherwise. When
people say "life is short" they don't realise that life is the
longest thing anyone ever does! I
thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. I'm
addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference. He
who laughs last took a long time to get the joke. To
do is to be - Descartes Did
you hear about the statistician who had his head in an oven and his feet
in a bucket of water? On average, he said he felt fine. I've
had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. If
we study the lives of great men and women carefully and unemotionally
we find that, invariably, greatness was developed, tested and revealed
through the darker periods of their lives. One of the largest tributaries
of the river of greatness is always the stream of adversity. Live
in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the
town gossip. Opportunity
is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like
work. Lincoln
studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed by candlelight. Galileo
invented by oil lamp. Nothing
in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing
is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded
genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated
derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent. The slogan 'press
on' has solved and always willsolve the problems of the human race. The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of last year's (2003) winners with a medical flavour: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Glibido: All talk and no action. Arachnoleptic
fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
Sign
seen on a plastic surgeon's window: "Come in and pick your nose!" Dancing
cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Everyday
I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed
alive. I
am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. Brain
cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. My
doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong
placebo, but I don't think it's working. The
more people I meet, the more I like my dog. I
like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. In
ancient times they had no statistics, so they had to fall back on lies. Sign
in a Family Planning clinic's car park: "Be careful when pulling
out." The
best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. Patient
to GP: "I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his". Wild
horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have
lunch with wild horses. Remember...a
developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist
is someone who already owns a house in the woods. To
make a long story short, there's nothing like having the boss walk in. It's
so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't
say it. I
am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for
two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
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