|
See
also Quotable Quotes Medical
Mirth |
|
Men
are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Learn to live with it. Don't
worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you.
It
takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember
if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. Only
Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Practice
safe eating - always use condiments. Deja
Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullcrap before. The
new orthopedic surgeon just needed a good break to get started. Age
is a very high price to pay for maturity. If
ever you feel blue ….. start breathing again! Some
folks are wise and some are otherwise. Ever
stop to think, and forget to start again? Miniature
cocktail: You drink one and in a miniature out. My
doctor told me to drink lemon juice after a hot bath, but I couldn't finish
drinking the bath and it went cold so quickly! I
used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Dad
always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis. A
picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
the memory on your computer. Light
travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them. Try
not to let your mind wander.... it's too small and fragile to be out by
itself. A
fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. The
secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and have the two as close together as possible. I
used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise,
so now I watch tennis. I
always give 100% at work: 12% on Mondays, 23% on Tuesdays, 40% on Wednesdays,
20% on Thursdays and 5% on Fridays. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built
the Titanic. Two
fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't
serve your type here." I
once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed,
but fine up against a wall". The
lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much
sleep. You
should not confuse your career with your life. Once
you've seen a doctor's surgery in one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. I
was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. There
is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." I
had general anaesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep
in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room.
Just like in college. Doctor
to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are
not a hypochondriac. The
one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside we ALL
believe that we are above average drivers. Ever
notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents?
Someone is making a penny on the deal. A
lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. Some
people say they haven't yet found themselves. But the self is not something
one finds; it is something one creates. A
midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Never,
under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night. The
definition of a will is a dead giveaway. Reading
while sunbathing can make you well red. If
someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically
lose because he can't find himself? The
true worth of a man is to be measured by the objects he pursues. In
any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going
on. This person must be fired. The
GP knew he was middle aged. He no longer needed a pillow to play Santa
Claus. If
your parachute doesn't open, you've jumped to a conclusion. The
road to success is always under construction. I
went to the medical library to get a book on Ethics, but it had been stolen. They
married for better or worse. She couldn't have done worse and he couldn't
do any better. If
you go to a chiropractor, be prepared to receive a lot of back talk. I'll
never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. He
must be having bowel problems with age. He has started putting prunes
in his Martinis. She
doesn't repeat gossip, so I had to listen carefully the first time. He
has so many degrees that he is known as Dr, Thermometer. An
insomniac lay awake all night wondering when the sun would come up. Next
morning it dawned on her. He
had a cough that nearly killed him. He was in his neighbour's closet. In
spite of all the enormous advances in medical science, funeral directors
seem to be unworried. Inscription
on the tombstone of a hypochondriac: 'See - I told you I was ill' A
married man fell in love with a mermaid and everything went well with
their affair until his wife began to smell something fishy… I
have a friend called Tuesday. I know it's unusual but when he was born
his parents thought they'd call it a day. Ever
notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people
who have to wait for them? I
refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. Thank
you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it. Postcard home: "What a hotel we're staying at! The towels are so big and fluffy, you can hardly close your suitcase!" I
wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if all of those
girls were telling me the truth. Money
won't make you happy……. but it can keep you comfortable while
you're unhappy. Living
a double life will get you nowhere twice as fast. I've
read so much about the bad effects of alcohol that I've decided to quit
reading. Do
you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you
a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're
in the wrong house, that's what it means. I
seldom ever make a mistake. I thought I made one once, but I was wrong. Humility
is not one of my faults; but if I had one, that would be it. Bumper sticker: Support local lawyers. Send your kids to medical school. There
is a new type of alarm clock on the market. It makes no noise. It uses
lights and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have
one of these. It's called a window! Sign
in optometrist's window: If you don't see what you want, you've come to
the right place. Shortly
after the doctor and her husband purchased a waterbed, they started drifting
apart. Patients
didn't know the doctor had a denture plate until it came out in the conversation. A
GP found his wife in the 'Ancient History' section at the local library.
She was looking for 'The Joy of Sex'. Don't
get excited about a tax cut. It's like a mugger giving you back fare for
a taxi. You
know it's a bad day when you compliment a patient on her unusual perfume
and she isn't wearing any. It
wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. The
nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty. For
as long as I can remember I've had amnesia. My
mother had morning sickness after I was born. An
opportunity to do kindness is too precious to neglect. Although
the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. Some
things cannot be spoken or discovered until we have been stuck, incapacitated,
or blown off course for awhile. Plain sailing is pleasant, but you are
not going to explore many unknown realms that way. Did
you hear about the person who threw away their weight loss video because
the people on the video were not losing weight either. A sign on a clothing store in Europe read: COME INSIDE AND HAVE A FIT It
is not God's will merely that we should be happy, but that we should make
ourselves happy. How
do you identify a bald eagle? All of his feathers are combed to one side. When
I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. The
sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. The
things that will destroy us are: politics without principle, pleasure
without conscience, wealth without work, knowledge without character,
business without sacrifice, science without humanity and worship without
sacrifice. It
was so hot today that I went to the ATM machine just to feel the cold
muzzle of a gun against my neck. The
means by which we live have outdistanced the ends for which we live. Our
scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles
and misguided men. Marriage
is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. Don't
you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"? I
never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. What
a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying
to have sex with them---as is my understanding. My
doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong
placebo, but I don't think it's working. Mark Twain was once asked if there was anything in the world worse than having a toothache and an earache at the same time. "Yes there is," replied Twain, "Having rheumatism and St. Vitus Dance at the same time." A
Zen master told me: "Do the opposite of everything I tell you to
do." So I didn't. According
to a new poll, 67 percent of television viewers say that they are sick
of reality TV shows. The other 33 percent are currently on a reality TV
show. I
think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because
in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach. So
I was getting into my car, and this fellow says to me, "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it!'" Always
and never are two words you should always remember never to use. Did
you hear about the student who followed the examples of Caesar, Napoleon,
and Patton and went down in history? Success
isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
Did
you hear about the bon vivant who had a bit too much wine with dinner
and the next morning suffered wrath of grapes? A
cannibal went to a psychiatrist because he was fed up with people. The
Middle Ages are often called the Dark Ages because they had so many knights. Whenever
I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Imagine
that, seven million people all wanting to live together. New York must
be the friendliest place there is. I
have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Time
is to stop everything happening at once. A
small drop of ink makes thousands, perhaps millions … think. Life
is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. How
many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a
tail a leg doesn't make it a leg. There
is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do
and not doing it. You
know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical school? They
call him Doctor. Show
me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't
put on his pants. The
day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. I
was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I
thought, what good would that do? If
you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit? Men,
like nails, lose their usefulness when they lose direction and begin to
bend. I
refuse to answer the question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. In
Mesa, AZ, police arrested a 71 year-old woman for running an amphetamine
lab from a retirement home. The staff became suspicious when several of
the residents were seen staying up after 7:30 pm. A
girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home. God
gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood
supply to run both at the same time. - Our
care should not be to have lived long as to have lived enough. How
do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans. Masturbation
is not illegal, but if it were, people would probably take the law into
their own hands. In
Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly
masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because
he claims he can get himself off. I
joined Alcoholics anonymous. I still drink, but under another name. Most
conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. Egomaniacs
suffer from I strain. The
Marx Brothers had a sister, Stretch. Often
the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in
vain. If
in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired
a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead. Nostalgia
isn't what it used to be. Inside
every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. Wastebasket:
Something to throw things near. Only
Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Love
is a gift; a gift you only have by giving it away. A
closed mouth gathers no feet. A
door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. Experience
is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when
you make it again. When
weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable
plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a
valuable plant. A
censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to. Age
doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone. In
just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. Never
be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals
built the Titanic. "Nothing
is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." Impotence...
Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." "You
want us to do WHAT?" All
my life I wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more
specific. Two
fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't
serve your type here." I
have learned that if you upset your partner they nag you.....if you upset
them even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth
the extra effort? Right
now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time - I
think I've forgotten this before. Don't
sweat petty things …. or pet sweaty things. A
clear conscience is usually the result of a bad memory. Garbage
bags do not make good parachutes. I
know a doctor who only tells jokes after he's drunk a whole bottle of
whiskey. It seems he has a rye sense of humour. "I
was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance." Time
may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. Health
is the slowest possible rate at which one can die. A
bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. A
will is a dead giveaway. If
you are going through hell, keep going. Every
calendar's days are numbered. Marathon
runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. Without
nipples, breasts would be point-less. Never
take life seriously. No-one gets out alive anyway. I'd
rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. Never
do card tricks for the group you play poker with. One
good turn gets most of the blankets. The
colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. If
you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 20 kilogram boy wearing underwear and a superman cape. The
only reason there is a population explosion is because it’s such
great fun to light the fuse. For
sale: two single beds and a worn carpet Tombstone inscription of a hypochondriac: See – I told you I was ill. People
who cough loudly don’t seem to go to the doctor ....... They seem
to go to the cinema. The
severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. The
easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. You'll
always find something in the last place you look. Plan
to be spontaneous tomorrow. Change
is inevitable ……. except from vending machines. If
you are going through hell, keep going. Definition:
Mistress - something between a mister and a mattress.
Filing
cabinet: a useful container, where things
can be lost alphabetically. I
got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing
masks for. 99%
of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Bumper sticker: Eat a prune! Start a movement! Timing
has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. Sign: Mini tampons on sale. For short period only. Man
cannot live on bread alone. He also needs a bit of crumpet. Paps
are a smear campaign aimed at women. If
I've told you once I've told you a million times…don't exaggerate! He
does the work of three men: Larry, Curley and Moe. My
father gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday. I couldn't find
the words to thank him. It's
been over five years since I had a drink. I kind of miss sex. You
don't drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there. Did
you hear about the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off
on the wrong foot? “Always
remember that you are unique, like everyone else.” “Don't
squat with your spurs on.” “If
at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.” “I
went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self help section
was. She said if she told me that it would defeat the purpose.” “The
only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation - but I hear
that that's coming quickly.” “His
insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.” “Caricatures
of ourselves is what we become as we age.” “Brain
cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.” “If
the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water
bill is higher.” “The
tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.” “Gossip
is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.” “I
have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.” “If
God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an
apology.” Imaginary quotes of mothers from history COLUMBUS' MOTHER: “I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!” MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: “Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: “All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.” ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?” MARY'S MOTHER: “I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.” ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: “But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?” THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: “Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!” “The
similarities between me and my father are different” “That
ain't the way to spell my name.” “If
you can't imitate him, don't copy him.” “I
learned a long time ago that minor surgery is when they do the operation
on someone else, not you.” “I
got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing
masks for.” “Financial
ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease.”
“Always
go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.” Anon “If your biological parents never had children, chances are you won't either.” Anon “Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage with mayonnaise.” “If you took all the medical students in the world who fall asleep in lectures and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.” Anon “Sorry I cannot be at the wedding, please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.” Anon “I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his name was always.” Anon. “If
love is blind, then marriage is a real eye-opener.” Anon “My school was so though when the kids had their school pictures taken, there was one taken from the front and one taken form the side.” Norm Crosby “My school was so tough, the school newspaper had an obituary column.” Norm Crosby “One guy says to the other “Do you and your wife have mutual climax?”” The other said "I think we have Prudential!" Milton Berle “My sex life is very bad. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.” Henry Youngman “When I was growing up, all my friends wanted to have sex with anything that moved. "Why limit yourself"? I told them.” Emo Phillips “My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn't bother me. It's the hiding that seems so cruel. ” Jonathen Katz “I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?” Robert Orben “A friend of mine willed her body to science, but science is contesting the will.” Joey Adams “I don't believe in astrology. But I am an Aquarius and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.” Anon “I've got nothing against kids. I just follow the advice on every bottle in my medicine cabinet: “Keep away from children.”” Anon “It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.” Anon “Drug reps use statistics like a drunk uses a lamp-post ............ for support rather than for illumination.” Anon “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good.” Woody Allen “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” Groucho Marx “Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.” Anon “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” Steve Martin “I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” Anon “I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.” Rita Rudner “History doesn't repeat itself--Historians merely repeat each other.” Anon “Before you decide to retire, stay home and watch some of the daytime TV programs.” Al Schock “Wherever you go, there you are.” Anon “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” Steven Wright I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model You
guys line up alphabetically by height. Men,
I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word
only: Super Bowl. I'm
not allowed to comment on lousy officiating. Nobody
in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. (Sporting Theme cont.) And
there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing
his class. We're
going to turn this team around 360 degrees. Are
you any relation to your brother Marv? My
sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle
or an aunt. "Tom." Today a sporting theme “This
is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.” “Ah,
isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox
of the Oxford crew.” “And
this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it
was amazing.” “One
of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before
each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God!
What have I just said?!” “Arnie
O'Palmer, usually a great putter, seems to be having trouble with his
long putt. However he has no trouble dropping his shorts.” “Not medicines nor prescriptions heal, but trust.” (Old eastern wisdom) Thanks to Dr G Judmann for contributing the above quote “After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her.” Dolly Parton “Science
may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the
worst of them all - the apathy of human beings.” “The
trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate
it.” “My
grandfather's a little forgetful, and he likes to give me advice. One
day he took me aside and left me there.” “Medicine
is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution.” “Friday
afternoon I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men build
a new house. And the guy on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo.
In Morse code.” “If
genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind
up getting taxis with a lot of bright taxi drivers.” “I
try to avoid cliches like the plague.” “Live
every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.”
“We
cannot waste time. We can only waste ourselves.”
“If
we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't
believe in it at all.” “The
trouble with the average family is it has too much month left over at
the end of the money.” “Don't
worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few. Remember that the
mighty oak was once a nut like you!” “I
believe humans get a lot done, not because we're smart, but because we
have thumbs so we can make coffee.” “Viagra
now comes in a nasal spray. It's for Dickheads.” “My
doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation,
he touched up the X-rays.” “Whover
called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” “When
a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks
dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.”
“It
is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result
is twins.” “Nothing
risqué, nothing gained.” “Sex
is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.”
“Jack
the Ripper's mother said, 'Why
don't I ever see you with the same girl twice?'” “A
verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.” A selection of poster that are parodies of the Motivation posters that are so popular in offices these days: Arrogance: "The Best Leaders Inspire by Example. When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well too." Fear: "Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at Sea." Sacrifice: "Your role may be thankless, but if you are willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who out-last you." Incompetence: "When you earnestly believe you can make up for a lack of skill by doubling your effort, there's no end to what you can't do." Irresponsibility: "No Single Raindrop believes it is to Blame for the Flood." “Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” Mark Twain “An
eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”
“War
will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys
the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today.”
“Life
is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” “If
you would be loved, love, and be loveable.” “I
am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have
of it.” “Optimism
is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope
and confidence.” “If
you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on the human
face - forever.” “To
get something done a committee should consist of no more than three people,
two of whom are absent.”
“An
apple a day keeps the doctor away... especially if you have a good aim.” “Who
will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or
walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all
the suffering and effort which life implies?” “Do
good to thy friend to keep him, to thy enemy to gain him.” “It's
better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved
a tall.” “It
ill becomes us to invoke in our daily prayers the blessings of God, the
Compassionate, if we in turn will not practice elementary compassion towards
our fellow creatures.” “Faced
with the choice between changing one's mind and proving there is no need
to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.” “My
life is an open book… with illustrations.” I
hear and I forget “What
are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.”
“A
new study claims that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is not necessary during
CPR and it's better to skip right to chest compression. However, the study
says that you're still required to snuggle for a half hour afterwards.” “Don't
tell my mother I work in an advertising agency - she thinks I play piano
in a whorehouse.” “Advertising
may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long
enough to get money from it.” “A
wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally
good job of stopping the circulation.” “A
life spent in constant labor is a life wasted, save a man be such a fool
as to regard a fulsome obituary notice as ample reward.” “I
have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency,
even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.”
My
mother said, “You
won't amount to anything because you procrastinate.” “Do
what you will, the time will probably come when you will want the advice
of a PHYSICIAN... Choose a sensible man, personally agreeable to yourself,
if possible, whom you know to have had a good education, to stand well
with the members of his own profession, and of whom other scientific men,
as well as physicians, speak respectfully... Once having chosen your medical
adviser, be slow to leave him, except for good cause. He has served an
apprenticeship to your constitution.” “An
inquiring, analytical mind; an unquenchable thirst for new knowledge;
and a heartfelt compassion for the ailing - these are prominent traits
among the committed clinicians who have preserved the passion for medicine.”
“To
live long, live slowly.” “LIFE
n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.” “The
twenty thousand biomedical journals now published are increasing by six
to seven per cent a year. To review ten journals in internal medicine,
a physician must read about two hundred articles and seventy editorials
a month.” “PHYSICIAN,
n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.”
“Neurotic
means he is not as sensible as I am, and psychotic means he's even worse
than my brother-in-law.” “All
of us who attempt to heal the wounds of others will ourselves be wounded;
it is, after all, inherent in the relationship.” “One
of the essential qualities of the clinician is interest in humanity, for
the secret of the care of the patient is in caring for the patient.” (Written in 1948 and amended to the current form in 1983 by the World Medical Association.) I solemnly pledge myself to consecrate my life to the service of humanity; I will give to my teachers the respect and gratitude which is their due; I will practice my profession with conscience and dignity; The health of my patient will be my first consideration; I will respect the secrets which are confided in me, even after the patient has died; I will maintain by all means in my power the honor and the noble traditions of the medical profession; My colleagues will be my brothers; I will not permit considerations of religion, nationality, race, party politics or social standing to intervene between my duty and my patient; I will maintain the utmost respect for human life from its beginning even under threat and I will not use my medical knowledge contrary to the laws of humanity; I make these promises solemnly, freely, and upon my honor. “Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.” Henry Louis Mencken “Romance
is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney,
homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.” “An
unfulfilled vocation drains the color from a man's entire existence.”
“If
you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and
do it really half-assed. That's the American way.” “The
brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in
the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” “The
difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty
and sixty hours a week.” “Criminal:
a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form
a corporation.” “I
don't pay good wages because I have a lot of money; I have a lot of money
because I pay good wages.” “Corporation:
An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.” “Only
two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not
sure about the former.” “The
trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't
distributed right.” “The
most violent element in society is ignorance.” “This
is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.” “Decaffeinated
coffee is kind of like kissing your sister.” “No
one can understand the truth until he drinks of coffee's frothy goodness.” “Research
is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.” “Never
go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” “After
two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.” “When
I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what
I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to
find out if it stopped.” “If
you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.” “If
profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf
would be played far better than it is.” “They
say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated
than that.” “It
is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when
one is playing golf.” “It's
easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century
Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual
and self-mortification.” “The
reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him
laughing.” “If
you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning,
hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.” “Give
me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you
can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.” “A
real friend never gets in your way - unless you happen to be on the way
down.” “War
does not determine who is right - only who is left.” “The
man with a new idea is a crank, until the idea succeeds.” “There
is no psychological truth unless it be particular; but on the other hand
there is no art unless it be general. The whole problem lies in just that
- how to express the general by the particular - how to make the particular
express the general.” “Knowledge
is an unending adventure at the edge of uncertainty.” "Happiness
is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his
hand in the drill." "Don't
take your organs to heaven with you. Heaven knows we need them here." "Some
tortures are physical "Never
do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics."
"It
is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the
bottom half of their class." "If
God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him." "I
do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
"Gods
are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose
of common sense." "Pray:
To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner
confessedly unworthy." "Faith:
Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge,
of things without parallel." "He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there w |